DanFlynn'sblog

2012-01-22T17:05:00.004Z

Last weekend enjoyed walking from Chapel en le Frith to Buxton via the path above Combs. It was so cold even the sheep were warning us to keep of't hills.

"Keep of't hills," they said.
"It's bloody cold up there." they said, nodding upwards.
"Aye, and keep of't moors." murmured one sheep.
Another coughed, hawked black spit and muttered, "Aye, ent moors... where's that back rub Jeremy?"
Then they all wandered off to hunt for Jeremy.

It's been some years since I encountered moorland sheep sticking their noses into my business.

Sunday's Observer...

2012-01-16T20:09:00.000Z

newspaper published an article called "Making a silk purse from a goat's udder." wherein it reported how genetic technology now allows goats with spider genes to produce milk containing spider silk. David Cronenberg dealt wittily with the subject, well I laughed, in his film 'The Fly'.

Inverted goats bleating from the kitchen ceiling. I suppose it's progress, of sorts.

Discovered this...

2012-01-08T21:03:00.001Z

whilst looking for something else.

It's footage from 2008 of a man jumping off a cliff, or, basejumping. His parachute fails and he breaks his leg before a tree breaks his fall. Not in the least impressive.

My dad loved...

2012-01-06T18:34:00.005Z

tripe. Tripe is the stomach lining of sheep and other ruminants, apparently. Tripe really is what it says, it's tripe. Tripe tastes horrible. Dad would poach tripe in milk with onions. Dad would eat tripe raw with vingar and salt. It seems a new book called "Tripe: A Most Excellent Dish." is not tripe.

Dad's lips would also smack for pigs trotters pressure cooked for 30 minutes or so. My childish face would look on aghast as dad chomped and slurped and burped his way through plates of tripe. The years have diminished my aghastness not one jot.

Blondin...

2011-09-07T20:03:00.015Z

the remarkably hirsute tightrope walker was famous for, well, walking tightropes. Blondin's most spectacular high wire stunt saw him tottering across the Niagara Falls his modesty protected only by a serviette advertising Lyon's Tea.

Plunging is the mode by which most have gone over the falls so it can come as no surprise that the first request for 100 years to cross the chasm by cable has caused quite a stir. As reported in The Independent Newspaper one Nik Wallenda having completed the necessary waivers stands brave chested and foot poised awaiting only the bureacratic nod.

Compared to plunging your man Wallenda's method is the very epitomy of sensible as can be seen is this report from 1951.

"A British barber, Charles Stephens – known as the Demon Barber of Bristol – is killed when he plummets in a barrel with an anvil attached to his feet. Only Stephens' right arm is found."

This is Liverpool...

2011-09-05T20:08:00.003Z

on a miserable August Bank Holiday. The Mersey, resplendent in grey is lashed by squalls ripping in off the Irish Sea. The photo was snatched during a moment of calm. In the distance, bottom left, is the tower of a church in Birkenhead and to its right the Queensway Tunnel air vent.

Ah, the English autumn, neither mist nor mellow fruitfulness.

Today...

2011-04-25T19:47:00.000Z

was cycling down the Mersey from Jackson's Boat to Stockport and took this rather fetching photo of the M60's underside.

A rat scurried by, up to no good I'd wager.

Spring has sprung...

2011-04-17T20:14:00.008Z

and all the little animals, so long tucked in their beds are up and lively. The country is awash with furred and feather creatures. Rabbits, hares, badgers, hedgehogs, field mice, shrews, moles, herons, I could go on, for they certainly are. Driving has become hazardous, a life and death affair. Some country roads are like butcher's slabs. All that mess, it can upset the equilibrium. Nature red in tooth and claw, indeed. There's plenty of red, loads of tooth and quite a bit claw though mostly spread like jam. On such scarlet surfaces a person could skid, lose control, crash. One slip and it's my tooth and claw feeding the freeloading crows.

Should such a thing happen there'd no doubt be a shrine. A simple menhir, and dedication would do the trick. "Dan smorgasbord Flynn. Giving, even as he was taken away."

Just thinking of the crowds chokes me up.

The universe...

2011-04-10T19:53:00.001Z

is a funny old place and full of surprises. By all accounts the great black yonder, until now thought to be a place of peace and quiet is instead stuffed with singing stars all lustily blaring away like there's no tomorrow.

It's little wonder I can't sleep at night.

It is spring...

2011-04-03T20:42:00.008Z

Hurrah!

Yesterday me and a lonely daff enjoyed the sun that beat down on meandering River Mersey as it rolled past Didsbury. With bike under bum, a trusty steed indeed and warm westerly breeze the ride was heaven on earth and not in a religious way either, oh no.

A wandering stoat, it might have been a ferret, skipped from the bushes, scratched it's ear, picked it's teeth, took a look around and declared 'Fuck me, it's spring.'

"It is that sir," replied I, stopping so as not to crush the tiny creature beneath freedom's wheel. And not before time too."

The stoat appraised me with a stoney eye. "Why are you dressed in yellow?" It asked.

"The yellow is reflective safety wear used when riding on roads so vehicles can see me rather than kill me."

"But you're not on a road," Said my minuscule yet oblong friend. "This is the countryside, a riverbank in fact."

"Well spotted, " Said I, thinking, who'd have thought it, a pedantic stoat, "But I had to cycle down a road to get here."

"What's a road?" It said in that superior yet stoatish way

Reader, I ran it over, well, tried to run it over but stoats are wily buggers.

"Wanker." It shouted.

"Wanker back." I replied but by then the moral high ground had gone.

Captain Ska

2010-12-12T19:00:00.000Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQFwxw57NBI

Fantastic stuff.

Winter...

2010-11-28T20:26:00.027Z

has arrived in the UK from Siberia, or Norway, or the arctic. Worried newscasters and trembling weather people declare hourly that we're all doomed unless temperatures begin to rise. Snow covers Scotland, Newcastle and the eastern counties. Many hands thrown up in despair snapped off so vicious is the cold. A variation of boules involving snapped hands became the main sport in some areas for a short while. Unimaginatively called, 'Hands' it was the snatching dogs that stopped the whole thing going global.

To G. x

2010-11-14T20:45:00.000Z

Bloodsuckers...

2010-10-24T16:13:00.013Z

cause panic in New York, or so says Friday's Guardian Newspaper. Rather than another acid tale of Wall Street high life this creepy story focuses instead on New York low life, to wit, bed bugs. So confident have our little friends become, it is reported, they're parading openly and some might say brazenly in department stores and upmarket residences. To curtail ensuing panic the mayor has demanded their extinction. A mayoral spokesperson said, "We demand their extinction." Speaking on condition of anonymity a spokesbug declared, "The hysteria may be entirely justified given our nature but hey man what all this stuff about extinction? Jeeze, even Hedge Funds get a better press."

Later, whilst mopping brow the spokesbug was overheard telling a friend.

"Damn, wish I'd not linked us to Hedge Funds."

Yesterday's...

2010-10-14T15:01:00.004Z

copy of The Independent reported on a study done at the University of Kentucky demonstrating that pigeons are inveterate gamblers. The four birds involved: Eddy 'The Pigeon' Pigeon; Johnny 'Are You Looking at Me?' Pigeon; Leon 'Stumpy Pigeon' Pigeon (so named because he has no feet) and his cousin Dermot 'These are not my wings' McGuire Pigeon are well known amongst the Columbidae as fleecers of the unsuspecting. Gerald 'I've a Migraine' Pigeon, spokesbird for the Kentucky Chapter of "Nod and Poo, Nod and Poo" told a local reporter, "Recently we've been trying hard to clean up our act, staying off window ledges, eating stodgy food, that sort of thing so it's disappointing when studies such as this appear. It sets us back. I'm afraid those four wily birds have done us no favours whatsoever. Sorry, but you'll have to excuse me, I'm desperate for the bathroom... yes right now... fortunately there's a car... it's your car... bollocks..."

You learn something new everyday.

I've returned from...

2010-10-10T15:34:00.009Z

two weeks in Tokyo and Beijing. Both cities I thought astonishing. Tokyo is awash with sky scrapers whereas Beijing is simply huge, a great city bounded by westerly mountains and endless plains to the east and south. I was in awe of the two capitals and though each were welcoming, the Chinese being the most open and friendly, I felt dwarfed by Tokyo heights and the grand open spaces that characterised central Beijing. Coming from a small Island crammed with 60 million people there's little sense of big space in the British psyche. Maybe it's experienced in sparsely populated Scotland, upper northern England or the flat-lands of Norfolk but as a citizen of comfortable old Manchester I found big space a tad intimidating. Nicely intimidating because Tokyo and Beijing, so different in culture, history, layout and architecture are cities first and foremost and being a city boy I fitted in very well. Tokyo was the more modern with a centre so clean one could eat dinner off it whereas Beijing was more fun, more frayed and less exact. Tokyo felt like a bright new ipod packed to the gunnals with sharp technology whilst Beijing was the clever old uncle slightly scuffed but smart as a whip. I fell in love with both towns, dear reader, I really did. Sigh.

Spring

2010-04-26T19:41:00.001Z

is sprung. Ha ha. Snowy weather delayed the affair but this past four weeks spring has definitely sprung.

An ode to spring...

Oh spring,
fucking fantastic
say no more.

We're not used...

2010-01-06T19:12:00.002Z

to cold weather in the UK. Being an Island kept balmy by the warm gulf stream it's not very often arctic temperatures descend on these shores. However it has been so cold even the Great British Penguin has sloped off to sunnier climes. The GBP, not a native of these parts usually swims north for the shopping but lo, the weather closed most shops, as can be seen in my photo.

Whilst I appreciate this bit of snow doesn't seem much to hardier types who live on cold continental land masses it does mean a great deal to me. Wey hey!

Of late...

2009-12-16T21:38:00.013Z

I've begun to notice an increase in South Manchester of home owners who've furnished the front of their properties with electric gates. Yesterday whilst driving through leafy suburbs I passed more than my fill of gates large and small guarding houses large and small. Gates that slid to the left, gates that slid to the right, gates that slid into the ground and even ridiculous gates that rose either side similar to those found at railway crossings. Some gates were fancy and topped with wrought iron spikes and one or two were developed with panels portraying worthy themes. One theme showed Noah's great ark stuffed with every type of animal though I thought the gun deck a fancifuly addition. Another gate featured little orphans fleeing a workhouse fire. The orphan theme reached a bloody climax as the evil owner, whilst forcing the tiny children back through a burning doorway door above which, incidentally, crackled the words, "Children, Best Prices" was himself crushed beneath a falling safe. Filled with ill gotten loot the safe had been pushed from an upper window by his two sons bitter at their exclusion from the family Will. The concluding motif shows the assembled but happy children dancing around the owner's smouldering remains pausing only to stir a pan of port mulling on the heat. Being stuck in a line of slow moving traffic gave me time to appreciate this parable in iron.

Having returned home I googled the costings of your average gate and knowing a little of house prices in the area it was obvious that some gates were more expensive than the home they were designed to protect. It would be cheaper to live in the gate.

I read in...

2009-11-22T20:14:00.004Z

Friday's New York Times that this year's must have toy for girls in the US is a hamster. Not though, the cute cuddly furry little biting and shitting hamster but instead a toy hamster. And at $7.99 they're a bargain to boot. These furry devils come in five flavours are battery run and have an off switch, unlike the real thing. Some years ago a friend's children had a hamster that ran in its wheel for hours everynight so she took to jamming the thing with a lolly stick. Stopping all excercise caused the tiny creature to put on so much weight it became too knackered to make the effort on those ocassions she removed the stick. Sumo hamster is not one of the five models currently flying off the shelves in New York. Indeed if Sumo was added to the range I think we could confidently predict it would plummet from the shelves.

Here's a clip of hamsters having an existential moment.

I am returning...

2009-11-18T21:48:00.010Z

and much has changed about the old place. Hmmm, a person is gone two minutes and everything is suddenly moved around.

Above is a photograph of Hadrian's Wall in Cumberland where two friends and I spent last weekend walking a 25 mile length of the 80 mile phenomenon. 2,000 years ago and over a ten year period the wall was built on the orders of Emperor Hadrian. A man clearly used to getting his own way Hadrian declared that the Picts (early Scottish folk) must be kept out.

"A wall it is then," Said Hadrian pointing to his troops who were from milder climes and therefore unhappy with the cold north of England. "And besides, the hard work will keep you both occupied and warm, so set to," And lo, they did.

2,000 years down the line Tom, Doug and I spend an excellent few days in the wall's company enjoying mile forts, encampments, Mithran Temples and assorted Roman ruins. All very impressive and especially so given the best response to the Roman arrival my ancesters could muster was painting their naked bodies in woad. This act terrified the Romans to such an extent they quickly overan the country. Unfortunately for the Romans the north of Britain was also where the Picts lived and though somewhat woadish in outlook the Pictish preference was for cleaving with axes rather than painting statements on the body. Incidentally the Romans never defeated the Picts and though not much respecting of naked blue types with wild eyes and messy hair they were more circumspect when dealing with huge bearded men swinging 30 kilos of sharpened metal. Hence the 80 mile wall that stretches from the Irish Sea in the west to the North Sea in the east.

An old photo...

2009-11-09T21:21:00.020Z

to herald my return. It was taken on Crosby Beach last year. Brendan Reissmann says I should start writing the blog again because it makes him laugh.

But not before I buy a new keyboard because this one is shite.

I read today that gold has ben iscovered in Scotland and some place north of Glagow is the ne Klondike. I've already booked a place on the dawn mule, could only get an outside seat, well, it's more hanging than sitting, but hey I'm no stranger to risk because the human mind can be an eery place when they strap a man to a mule.

(Incidentally,"Strapped to the Mule" were a Manchester Punk Band who sold out for a large recording contract in 1983. They turned MOR, changed their name to "Whisper" and successfully released an album of love songs called "That's not my hand your holding") Last heard they were doing warm ups for a Carpenter's tribute band.

This coming weekend...

2009-03-23T19:52:00.012Z

the clocks go forward an hour and we officially enter British Summer Time. 2am this Sunday morning becomes 3am and in unison we'll all shuffle that little bit closer to the Big Crunch. That most of us will be asleep; drunk; drunkenly asleep; awake, awake but drunken; awake but annoyingly bright and perky; awake in that mad insomniacal way; awake but not insomniacal; awake because we've not yet gone to bed; awake because we're so pissed we can't find the bed; does not matter one jot for time will move on. Oh yes.

I've discovered the British Summer Time Order Act 2002 which is a Parliamentary Statute that arranges time in the UK. Clearly too specific to be an Einsteinian Statute because an Einsteinian Statute would probably be entitled the British Summer Time (dependent of course on how close one is to a heavy object) Order Act.

Time's a weird business and come this Sunday morn millions will lift their dozy heads and be glad we messed it about. Then again, other millions will be too hungover to lift our dozy heads at all. We mess with time, booze messes us. It's the modern way.

Daffodillies...

2009-03-22T18:50:00.002Z

are here again. Oh yes they are, oh yes they are... Ha ha!

Spring is in the air...

2009-03-08T14:54:00.018Z

well almost. Up here in Manchester the crocuses are bloomin' marvelous and the snow drops, little dots of white packed together on roadsides, under trees or near water are just fantastic. Next up is the daffodillies, excellent!

The photo is a section of this huge steel girder art structure in the Tate Modern that appeared to be made of metal but in fact was card and wood. At least I think it was card and wood.

Ps, I've put some new photos on flickr that I'm quite pleased with.

Was in London this weekend...

2009-02-16T18:51:00.008Z

and went to an exhibition on Russian Constructivism at the Tate Modern. On display was art from 1917 onwards and shows Russians such as Liubov Popova and Aleksandr Rodchenko struggling to develop an aesthetic by which they could move art forward in a progressive way. They were attempting to develop a more objective aesthetic to better articulate the new, the modern, the revolutionary world in which they were caught.

The exhibition shows this really well through paintings, sculpture, geometric models but also how they tried to develop a proletarian art celebrating the ordinary. In a country where the majority could neither read nor write they sought to harness an art for the revolution and for the everyday. For instance they developed street posters that were loud and brash, designs for cigarette packets that were colourful and challenging, even adverts for biscuits (cookies) using collage and photographs. These artists challenged conventional views of stage design and film, or street aesthetics such as in posters and adverts. Overall the exhibition shows all of this really well. However, for all their virtuosity and visual bravery there was something cold about the aesthetic, certainly in the paintings that were mainly shapes and lines. That said, and given these artists were battling against the dominant romantic aesthetic where the artist is king and the single point of view is truth, what they produced was very impressive.

A bitterly cold wind...

2009-02-01T18:19:00.022Z

is currently sweeping westwards into the UK from Russia. It's impossible to turn on the TV or radio without being terrified by expectant tales of freezing conditions and arctic weather. It will be so cold tonight, we are warned, that anyone foolish enough to expose even a leg outside the duvet shall wake tomorrow with said leg frozen into a block of ice and most probably also stuck to the bed. Rumours abound that Health chiefs have hired teams of crack Italian knife grinders to keep hospital instruments sharp for all the cutting and hacking that's expected to be done. In Southern England the government has commandeered all the saws so someone must be expecting the worst. Worry about amputation therefore grips the populace forcing many into feverish re-readings of the limb clauses in their life insurance. In every town trembling fingers trace actuarial lists pausing over 'C' for Compensation but then moving to 'L' for Loss only to further discover sub-sections for the arm, leg, nose, ear. Ear! How long has that been a limb?

Fearful for their ears people today have rushed to purchase hats and it's even become impossible to buy a tea cosy such is the panic. From Yorkshire and Lincolnshire, the two counties expected to bear the icy blast's brunt news arrives of knitwear factories looted, sheep pillaged and babies robbed for their cute headwear. Early cases of mitten death have begun to surface.

Below zero temperatures are forecast to last until Wednesday.

I've been ill...

2009-01-06T22:31:00.011Z

with the flu that's currently sweeping the UK, been sick as a dog for weeks. By all accounts this flu originated in Brisbane and has journeyed some distance to be here, which is the nature of epidemics. Anyway, it made me ill. The photo is of a flu virus. If flu viruses were really this large it's not illness so much as choking we'd be at risk from, or stubbed toes because I'm assuming the knobbly globe is a floor dweller. It also follows that choking would mostly be confined to children and others who put in their mouth things they find. What a relief it is then, viruses being so tiny.

Was cycling...

2008-12-07T17:59:00.021Z

down the Ashton Canal yesterday. It was bright and freezing, as winter Saturdays ought to be.

A frazzled heron stalks the canal side between Fairfield and Clayton waiting for a fish to flicker the water's surface.

Christmas decorations...

2008-11-30T19:00:00.052Z

have begun to appear on the streets of our fair city. Oh there's the usual nativity stuff, stars of Bethlehem, wise men, the occasional camel, a manger, donkeys; but in a less popular quarter of town and suspended over cobbled streets lurks something quite different. It's not that the denizens of Back Midden are unchristian (though many are) but every year they like to develop a different seasonal theme and this year it's the great banking crash of 2008.

Flossy Street, Back Midden's main thoroughfare is stuffed with shops, stalls, arcades and the odd booth from where it remains possible to hire orphans for chimney work. The Pevsner Guide to Manchester among other things describes Flossy Street as "unreconstructed." Suspended the length of the street between gas lanterns are 11 representations of events leading to this September's catastrophe and a 12th one about hope. The first tableau, designed in black and red shows a big bellied banker evicting ragged children from a property he wants to develop for apartments. The second tableau hanging between The Gnarled Penny, a gin palace, and Jobson's Offal Shop (If it's Offal you want...) shows the same children buying a gun and directing dirty looks at the now fatter banker. Tableau three shows the banker laughing as a school is bulldozered and in tableau four the ruddy faced oaf picks his teeth with the bones of dead infants before tossing the remains to a wolfhound salivating at his feet. Continuing up the street we see this outrage further developed in tableau five that shows a smaller group of children agreeing that they might need a bigger gun, and maybe a machete.

On Flossy Street my favourite eatery is part of the Big Suet chain (If it's an early death you want...) where lard is revered. Opposite Big Suet stands Maggie Nolan's Toys for Tiny Fingers that sells minute copies of popular brands like Lego and Action Man, in truth though, for children it's really an emporium of choking hazards. Between Big Suet and Maggie's hangs tableau six in which the fat banker, getting bigger and fatter, flattens a factory using only his belly. Some workers mistaking the event for an eclipse fail to flee and are crushed. Tableau seven shows the banker bending to light his cigar on flames licking up through the rubble. Halfway along Flossy Street on the left is Sodden, an alleyway once popular with those who enjoy gin but now occupied by a stall selling bootstraps with which it's possible to pull oneself up, or so the banner declares. This stall is popular with Britain's New Labour Government.

In Back Midden coal remains the favoured fuel. Most shops have a roaring fire which is curious given you get more glow for your bucks with nuclear. Indeed with nuclear everything glows and nearly forever too. I read that in Russia the old Soviet government issued nuclear stoves to people living in the frozen tundra. No one survives there now but the stoves remain, easy to locate because they melt the surrounding snow and nothing will grow near them. Such simple machines and still working after all these years. Is that not a marvel?

The ever popular Gloves, a double fronted store selling gloves is situated opposite Scarves. Gloves and Scarves are owned by brothers who no longer speak. Linking the two stores is tableau eight in which a convention of portly bankers listen to one of their number complaining about not being fat enough. Tableau nine, hanging from the Cathedral of Simon the Zealot (Zealot by name...) majestically sweeps across Flossy Street to Hooks the hook shop and depicts a pig with its head in a trough that leaks. In tableau ten, giant bankers stride the globe oblivious as people rush towards an armaments shop through whose window we can see ragged children bickering over the calibre of an artillery piece.

Legend has it that Muck End which bisects Flossy Street at the top was once a popular haunt of razor pigs until the nuns came. A statue cast in stolen lead and celebrating this important catholic victory still stands outside The Bride of Christ Public House. Attached to the raised fist of Sister Therazor (for it is she) is one end of tableau eleven which shows the fat bankers losing not only their shirt but everyone else's shirt on Mucky Meg who failed to show in the 3.30 at Kempton Park. Across the street and providing the other anchorage point is a huge bronze of Harry Pig, Leader of the the Muck End Redemptors, who is portrayed showing the finger to Sister T.

Beyond those contradictory examples of civic pride lies Muck End Corner with its Post Office on one side and Old Alf's Old Shop on the other. Muck End Corner marks not only the conclusion of Flossy Street but also the conclusion of this year's theme. The good citizens of Back Midden are nothing if not positive and in their final representation, the final cartoon so to speak, seemingly remorseful bankers weep crocodile tears and apologise profusely to a huge crowd, they also swear never again to mess things up. In reply the angry multitude shout "Fucking right you won't!" before parting like the Red Sea to let through some children pushing a cannon.

Whadda street!

The "B of the...

2008-11-24T19:09:00.023Z

Bang" an attractive sculpture erected in East Manchester to celebrate the 2002 Commonwealth Games is coming down. In truth its demise began almost as soon as it went up when spikes separating from the main body plunged earthwards skewering a group of nuns. The holy sisters, and how ironic that now sounds, all celebrants with The Venerable Order of "Redemption through Pain" were in town for a convention.

The impaled postulates were not popular except with local flagellants so won't be missed, unlike "The B of the Bang." Boo hoo.

PS.

Not being keen on the name "The B of the Bang" I suggested to the City Council as an alternative, "You could put someone's eye out with that." They never replied.

Monks...

2008-11-09T19:38:00.010Z

brawl in Jerusalem. Until today I thought monks mainly wore hessian and drank mead. Note to Monk Central, ease up on the mead.

Once again...

2008-11-08T13:55:00.005Z

Dark Matter hits the news. Although a puzzle for sometime because it cannot presently be detected scientists now seem on the verge of proving the stuff really exists. Last week I burned my favourite pan and Dark Matter appeared. Took me bloody ages to scrape it off, had to use three scourers. The sooner they get this thing sorted out the better. In my opinion.

Presented in today's

2008-11-02T16:47:00.020Z

Sunday Independent, the most glamorous goat in all Arabia. And a fine looking animal it is too. Meanwhile The Observer reviews Richard Holmes's "The Age of Wonder" in which he describes an experience of Alexandre Charles, the 18th Century balloonist. Landing after one successful flight the confident aeronaut invited his assistant to step out of the basket. Liberated from this extra weight the balloon rocketed skywards reaching a height of 10,000 feet before returning safely to earth. Later Mr Charles's assistant described to waiting journalists his receding master's bewildered face.

I think the goat has some of that look.

Tomatoes ward off cancer...

2008-10-29T20:04:00.008Z

shock. Professor Cathie Martin states "mice eating the modified tomato start to die significantly later than mice on the normal tomatoes,"

In response a spokesmouse said later, "This is good news for mice. I can't possibly comment on the rest of you".

The death of blogging...

2008-10-26T12:09:00.009Z

was announced last week in Wired Magazine. Paul Boutin's article declares that Twitter, Flickr and Facebook have eclipsed blogging as the new frontier for online writing, though he gives no figures to support his claim. Paul recommends people cease blogging because the form has been overwhelmed by professional sites pumping out a 'tsunami of paid bilge' and as a consequence no longer leaves room for the amateur voice. Strange then that Paul's notion of a successful blog is one that makes money. That Paul misses this contradiction is the key to why he's wrong about blogging's demise. It's a fair point to criticise 'bilge', but to then call for an end to blogging as a whole, well that smacks of taking your ball home because you no longer like the game. Beneath its reasonable veneer Paul's article disguises an unpleasant elitism.

Blogworld is a cacophony of voices and even though some are louder than others I choose what to read, that most bloggers do the same is evident in the links lists. It's obvious that the huge majority of bloggers write for pleasure and not money, a point Paul seems to have forgotten, if he ever really knew it in the first place.

Grey squirrells...

2008-10-19T14:35:00.011Z

make the UK news again. Today's Observer Magazine carries a long piece about the menacing Grey squirrel, currently being shot in huge numbers. I have mentioned previously my soft spot for our squirrel cousin from the States and that I believe them to be a maligned species. For instance, the unfounded rumour that they steal slumbering children from warm beds nightly has done much harm to these tufty compadres. Whereas the equally unfounded belief that on a daily basis red squirrels perform charitable acts for the needy and attend Mass enhances their reputation.

That the facts are much plainer is demonstrated in these two statements recently given to the press. Guess which made it into print.

Exhibit A:

"We love life and if it weren't for bullies could help more people. Would you like some cake? I've baked too much for the church fete. Oh and there was extra jam for the little orphans until someone foreign stole it all away. My my".

Exhibit B:

"Janice, hide the kids that fucker with a gun's in the woods again".

I rest my case.

Computers fail...

2008-10-13T20:07:00.017Z

the Turing thought test. Shock! Recent tests at Reading University show computers are no good at light conversation.

"We don't get out much". A spokeschip for the morose gadgets complained.

Interviewed in the Evening Press and supported by cries of, "Hear hear... You tell em Nigel... ooh hasn't the weather been atrocious lately...", plus, "they can fuck right off if they think I'm doing that again", a further computer declared, "It's a fix. We were made to look like fools. There's real anger in here at the moment".

Asked why this should be the unnamed Mac replied tersely "Your kind don't like the fact that our kind are smarter".

When it was observed that at least our kind aren't bolted down furious shouts of, "Get the bastard!" erupted only to be quickly followed by, "I'm stuck... no movement at the back here... can't do a thing... oh dear... whose elbow is that?"

This year's experiment ended traditionally with home band the Silicon Throats yodeling, "Twenty four hours from Tulsa", and that old PC favourite, "It's alright up a chimney so long as you're in front".

Maybe next year.

The end of the world...

2008-10-12T17:17:00.010Z

is nigh. Yes, really, it is. If I'm disappointed it's because bankers have not yet begun throwing themselves off tall buildings, a banking practice of which I wholeheartedly approve. The buildings don't even have to be that tall, just tall enough to make the fall fatal. Pedestrians below would need warning prior to the plunge because that's only fair, unlike, of course, the plungees criminality. Those who aren't prepared to jump should be imprisoned and their assets seized. The rest of us can then get on with making a better world.

Hey, do we have a choice?

My gable end...

2008-10-05T16:23:00.032Z

is fixed. After much delay a wizened old goat driving a battered flat bed lorry arrived on Thursday morning. Scaffolding Joe, for it was he, slit the throat of a black cockerel and stained my newly pointed brickwork with the twitching bird's dark red blood.
'Well, that's different'. I thought

I stood someway off with Eddy my nicotined roofer, both awaiting a propitious sunrise.

"For fuck's sake," Says I "Propitious! It's scaffolding not life."
"That's easy for you to say." Says Eddy lighting another roll up. "Where's that flask of tea? It's a bit parky this early on."
I go inside and return with the tea as Joe's chants begin to wake the neighbours.
Nervously I ask Eddy, "Will he be much longer?"
Eddy replies "Not sure," And we both notice Joe reach into the lorry cab for another cockerel.
Eddy shouts, "Joe, it's a one cockerel job this."
Joe pauses, looks at us and then at the cockerel squawking upside down in his large fist.
Annoyed, Joe says, "A one cockerel job? I needn't have brought this". He tosses the relieved bird through the cab window and into the lap of Bubba his shaven headed son. Eddy and I are not convinced his remark was addressed solely to the cockerel.
"Boy! Git out here and start putting stuff up" He nods at the flatbed laden with poles of a most propitious type.
"Okay paw," Says the boy hitching his oily dungarees.
"Why are they talking like that?" I whisper to Eddy. "They're from Manchester".
"Stereotype of folk who toil." He replies. "Modern life requires them to sound as if they're from the deep south of the US and not Somerset. It's cultural imperialism gone mad." I nod in a wise way.
The sun rises above brooding clouds, Bubba begins unloading the truck and I retreat to my kitchen for toast. After half an hour Eddy comes in to tell me the flask is empty.
"How are they doing?" I ask, refilling the kettle as Eddy makes himself comfortable on my chaise longue.
"Making progress, making progress." He says.
"That chicken thing was a bit messy" I say.
"You should see the ceremony for industrial contracts." He replies.
"Toast?" I offer.
"Don't mind if I do," Says he.

Marching in Manchester...

2008-09-21T19:19:00.004Z

yesterday against war. We were demonstrating outside this year's Labour Party Conference where Gordon Brown, Prime Minister and lickspittle to George Bush was speaking.

Eddie our local roofer...

2008-09-14T17:22:00.028Z

says the batten boards on my gable end are rotted and need replacing. He points up and I crane my head to follow his finger. We'll need to hire scaffolding. Eddie knows a scaffolding man, best in the business, born on a scaffold, to a scaffolding family. Eddie's man is to scaffolding what Richard Rogers is to architecture. Scaffolding Joe is not only an artisan he's an artist. Scaffolding Joe can raise a 50 by 30 metre bracing structure in three hours tops using no tools other than his teeth. And a fine set of pearly whites they are too, or so I'm led to believe. The man's an artist, repeats Eddie, he should be in a gallery. Okay, says I, hire the man, he sounds just what we need.

"Of course there'll be the usual formalities". Says Eddie.
"Formalities?". Says I.
"Formalities". Says he.
"What formalities might those be?"
"Formalities required by the Worshipful Company of Scaffolders (Manchester Branch stroke North West Region). They'll need a sacrifice, a modicum of gin and you'll have to wear a hat during the ceremony."
"Jeeze, Eddie" says I, "It's only a few bloody poles held together with bolts. You make it sound like a religion. Sacrifice indeed."
"Do you want the job done or not?"
"Okay, but I get to choose my own hat."
"I'll arrange it for Thursday".

Well...

2008-09-10T20:34:00.001Z

we're still here. Hello, hello... damn the light's gone out... hello... can anyone hear me... hello... hello... bugger...

End of the world...

2008-09-09T19:52:00.004Z

shock.

If, as the doom mongers predict Europe's Large Hadron Collider opens a black hole tomorrow that sucks us into oblivion at least the miserable buggers won't be there to crow about being right. So some good will come of it.

This evening...

2008-09-04T17:46:00.012Z

it is sunny. I got a photo as evidence. Of course I had to tart it up on photoshop, and the angle is not good but the sun really is there, behind that cloud.

The summer weather in the UK this year has been shite. Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite. It has pissed down to such a degree Trench Foot has once again reared its ugly, er foot.

Many villages and towns have been swept away by the deluge, a fact confirmed by old Caleb from the nearby hamlet of Much Wanting who speaking to journalists said. "It is true. Many villages and towns have been swept away in the deluge. Indeed my old nanny goat Bertha was swept away only yesterday... no, on second thoughts I think it was my eldest who was swept away. Yes, I'm almost sure it was him. In fact I know it was him because as he sailed by I distinctly heard the shout 'Dad, I'm being swept away' To which I replied, 'Now you mind your manners young man'. This was said because I can't abide children shouting in the presence of their elders and betters. Deluge or no deluge standards must be kept. 'Okay' he whispered, though I might have misheard him over the torrent's roar. He might have said 'Tokay' but if that was it I've no idea what he meant. You know, Bertha was swept away last year too. Now I come to think, it wasn't Bertha who was swept away but my other eldest. When I say eldest, I mean until he was swept away, and now my latest eldest has gone. But what was that loud whinny and dull thud of hooves on sacking just before the splash? A sound I remember hearing last year too. And how could I have twice mistook my boys for a goat? My dancing jiggling boys both caught by the roaring swell. It's not easy being a parent."

My mate Sean...

2008-09-02T19:15:00.002Z

on Liverpool's Crosby Beach. He's on the right.

NASA have landed

2008-05-26T14:43:00.006Z

a vehicle on Mars. European Beaver have been returned to the Scottish Highlands. All I need now is a huge win on the lottery and my life truly will be at one with the universe. Except of course I don't gamble. The chance of winning the UK lottery is approximately 14 million to one. With odds so huge I've as much chance of winning whether I bet or not. So, there is a huge universe, huge odds on the lottery, huge distances to Mars and a mammal with huge teeth roaming Scotland. Everything seems huge today. In the rather smaller world of my bedroom the re-plastering is complete. Hurrah! Indeed, hurrah to all the above, except the lottery which is a rip off.

To restore my equilibrium I am planning a quantum day, when everything of note will be small and pretty.

My bedroom is being...

2008-05-18T19:25:00.008Z

re-plastered because the house is so old that when I steamed off the wallpaper a considerable amount of the wall came with it. My house was built in 1900 and is an end terrace of what in the UK is called a two up/two down. This refers to the numbers of rooms.

The photo on the left is of a house in Limassol, Cyprus. By the plasterwork alone I suspect this house was not built in 1900.

For some time now I've been hounded by a guard dog that insists on barking all night. This dog barks whenever anyone passes the gate behind which it lurks. I'm not normally prone to violence or even thoughts of violence but as summer approaches my desire for the death of that dog hardens. I have dog rage and not being the owner of a gun I'm reduced to complaining to the Council. Not very pioneering I know, after all a hundred years ago when my house was being built honour might have required me to fight the dog, or fight the dog owner or even fight them both. I don't know, but these days life in Manchester is more sedate and instead of pugilism I've been given a form to complete. I think this is a better solution than the street fighting one especially as I don't look good in a flat cap with blood all down my front.

Think I've discovered...

2008-05-15T19:46:00.010Z

a solution to my jpeg problem. Very clever, considering I've no idea what jpeg stands for. So, here's an image of the remains of a Cypriot snack, in jpeg, an acceptable format. Indeed.

Cyprus has mountains, the Troodos Mountains to be precise and they're very high. Cyprus also has good wine, excellent food, wonderful fish (to eat) and sunshine, lots of it.

Of course being jammed in a tin box for five hours at 33,000 feet was no fun but Deb and I coped by drinking alcohol. Alcohol under such circumstances serves a number of useful functions including the promotion of happiness and one needs happiness when one is being treated like veal.

Thank God we didn't order lunch.

I am puzzled...

2008-05-14T18:48:00.005Z

by RAW. I took some loverly photos during my recent holiday in Cyprus but can't upload them because, well because I bloody well can't! Except this one of an old church in Larnaca. For some reason I've saved it in jpeg, though God knows how. Must have pressed the wrong button, and what is jpeg anyway? Or RAW for that matter? Oh yes, I can read the Wiki entries on these issues but do I really want to? Do I buggery.

I was encouraged to use RAW by a photography magazine, indeed I was enthused to use RAW but instead of happiness, instead of clarity, instead of superb detail and vibrant colours I only know bitterness and heartache. For two hours now I've attempted to alter the format but have become increasingly lost in the nether regions of my operating system, a place where water drips from a shadowed ceiling and old chains hang like chains that hang. Disconcerting messages began popping onto the screen declaring me a fool and possibly impotent. So, I've given up. I refuse to allow a machine to question my virility, it's just not on.

Easter weekend...

2008-04-15T18:28:00.005Z

was down in London to see Kevin Spacey and Jeff Goldblum at the Old Vic in David Mamet's "Speed the Plow." Which, as they say, was good.

Being cultured types the magnificent Deb and I also went to see the Juan Munoz retrospective at the Tate Modern which was also pretty damn good, but different, obviously.

And we got drunk. More than once. And it was freezing, with squalls.

Next weekend will be in Blackpool walking on the beach and drinking beer at night. Nothing clever or imaginative but hey, it's off time.

I'm in lurve...

2008-04-03T19:47:00.014Z

yup, after all these years (7 actually) a woman called Debbie has stolen me heart. Sigh, and I'm feeling pretty damn good about the whole thing. Debs is a vegetarian so it's the wholesome life for me from now on. Yesterday I bought a liquidiser to make soup or broth as I like to call it. To me the word 'soup' has always seemed lightweight whereas 'broth' is a hearty word an honest to goodness word. When broth's on the stove the whole world stands respectful. For me broth conjures an image of cast iron pans blackened and suspended above an open range barely visible through clouds of steam blowing from the spout of a huge kettle. In the background a band of kilted pipers loudly play Scotland The Brave and tiny children sit by a rough wooden table licking their lips in anticipation of something wholesome that is to surely come their way. Aye!

I'm certain this liquidiser will be equal to the task of creating such magic. Oh yes.

Storms are...

2008-03-10T19:40:00.004Z

a'blowin in from the west driving a high spring tide onto the shores of Cornwall and Devon. A dark night indeed is predicted. Aye. This is how Herman Melville describes such an experience for Cap'n Ahab's ship, the Pequod.

"Towards evening of that day, the Pequod was torn of her canvas, and bare-poled was left to fight the Typhoon which has struck her directly ahead. When darkness came on, sky and sea roared and split with the thunder, and blazed with the lightning, that showed the disabled masts fluttering here and there with the rags which the first fury of the tempest had left for its after sport. Holding by a shroud, Starbuck was standing on the quarter-deck; at every flash of the lightning glancing aloft, to see what additional disaster might have befallen the intricate hamper there; whilst Stubb and Flask were directing the men in the higher hoisting and firmer lashing of the boats. But all their pains seemed naught. Though lifted to the very top of the cranes, the windward quarter boat (Ahab's) did not escape. A great rolling sea, dashing high up against the reeling ship's teetering side, stove in the boat's bottom at the stern, and left it again, all dripping through like a sieve."

Marvelous, rip roaring stuff. Not entirely sure I'd like to experience such a thing directly but it makes for an exciting read.

Spring is on the...

2008-02-17T13:27:00.010Z

way. Huzzah!!! This weekend a bright winter sun is beaming down on a bitterly cold North West of England. Yesterday I was down by the Mersey and it was pretty damn good cycling past the first daffodillies of this New Year.

Last weekend was also luvverly as the photo demonstrates. It was taken in Blackpool from the Big Wheel situated on the Central Pier.

Gravity waves...

2008-01-30T19:43:00.001Z

sweep through universe, shock. Buggering around with time, shock. Been watching a BBC Horizon programme on gravity, in shock, shock. Seems gravity isn't a bit like glue and has nothing to do with rendered horse gizzard, a material from which glue was once manufactured. Modern physics insists that gravity does not arise when horses are boiled but is instead the result of heavy objects moving through spacetime. Such objects curve spacetime and gravity is curvature but spookily time slows when closer to heavy objects. The heavier the object moving through spacetime the more curve/gravity the slower the time. It follows that the further one is away from a heavy object, say a horse, the faster time moves. The principle point here is that both spacetime and gravity are not absolutes but variables, that they are relative. Now, gravity waves are produced when really heavy objects, say two neutron stars spin round each other. Neutron stars are unbelievable heavy, heavier even than horses and their masses swirl and twist spacetime throwing out gravitational waves as if from a universal spin cycle set for brushed cotton, which is of course a heavy cloth.

Gravity waves ripple through the universal spacetime causing it to stretch and contract and correspondingly causing time to speed up and slow down. The cosmos is in constant flux and with our fellow tenants we too are subject to these fundamental changes. We too are subject to stretching and contracting and even different time zones. Call me old fashioned but I prefer all my bits to be running in the same race. Imagine the horror of becoming stuck in a getting up for work ripple? Or a Monday morning ripple! It would be possible in this scenario to spend eight hours just getting out of bed for work, out of bed for work, out of bed for work, out of bed for work... and this is before having to go to sodding work!

Ah, but who would complain about being stuck in the astonishing sex with partner ripple, astonishing sex with partner ripple, astonishing sex, blah de blah de blah... Things balance out, the universe gives and the spacetime taketh away. Ying and Yang. Personally could do with life being a little more heavy on the Yang, but hey, that's just me.

I mentioned previously...

2008-01-24T20:05:00.001Z

the polar bear problem at Nuremburg Zoo. It's a story not prepared to lie down. Hopes that Knut might mature into a pillar of respectable bear life were dashed when instead he became a raving psychopath and known to carry a gun. A spokesperson for Nuremburg Zoo was quoted as saying "Maybe it would have been better if his mudder had just gobbled him up like she did his brudder and sister, Wilfred and Wildreda. That was a messy business I know but then so is armed robbery." A spokesperson for the local bears said, "We tried to give the kid a break but he got with the wrong crowd. Stayed out late at night. Took drugs. Stole from shops. Some say he's the result of childhood trauma but we say the real cause was his mother being unable to count." A spokesperson for the local Education Department caught mid-croissant coughed, "Innumeracy amongst bears? Hey, what you supposed to do?"

Been having trouble with...

2008-01-16T20:51:00.000Z

my boiler. Gas man arrived and said it was a matter of heat regulation so he replaced the thermostat with an older model. Only remaining issue is the neighbours whining about not being able to park.

Was gonna start the new year...

2008-01-09T19:55:00.000Z

with a topical blog, perhaps a light subject such as events at Nuremburg Zoo and that mama bear eating baby bears but decided against given it might prove too sensitive for some stomachs, but not for that huge bear's stomach! Ha ha ha. Speaking of which, I couldn't locate a photo of said polar bear eating its cuddly off-spring but did find this image of lions eating some type of horned creature, or to be more specific ex-creature.

Whilst on the subject of things eaten I want to mention, for one final time the Christmas bird. That bird was a giant among birds and I'd like to say I'm sorry it was shot, but I'm not, sorry that is. On Christmas morning we rose to open our pressies and discovered the bloody bird had supped all our Christmas booze. In the kitchen I tiptoed over empty wine and gin bottles thinking, "I'm sure we didn't finish that gin." when the sound of muffled singing came floating like an angel's air from the oven. A sea shanty it was, indeed Ewan McColl's, 'Shoals of Herring'. At first I was enraptured, transported, and even joined with a hearty verse or two myself before poking a rifle through the oven door and shooting the fucker stone dead. The bird squawked "You've got me guv." in a mockney baritone, followed by, "I'm a gonner now my ow'ld darlin'. Have a care sweedart," until finally resting its ashen face on the par boiled spuds I'd put in earlier for roasting. A tear almost blinded my eye when the bird chirped, "I'm not finished yet." and together we completed the final three verses with me on harmonies.

10 hours on gas mark 6 and the bird came through for us, as we knew it would. Also, the cheeky get didn't find the wine we'd stashed in the cellar, stupid animal confined its search to the fridge. Pre-Cambrian Birds? What the fuck do they know about modern living.

Next year, in honour of that bird's passing we're gonna eat horse because I read somewhere that birds and horses were once related, way back. Or was that birds and dinosaurs? Bollocks, as far as I'm now concerned something equine's gonna get it, in fact I can already see Trigger in the next field, "Mama, fetch that gun. Yee haw!"

Note to self, will require larger oven.

Went to the butchers...

2007-12-16T19:47:00.000Z

to order a free range bird for Christmas and he said "Free range, eh?"
So I said, "Yes."
And he said, "We've a new line. Very old breed of turkey. Goes way back, to the dinosaurs. Angry type. We'll need a deposit."
"Does it graze in the wild?" I said.
"It grazes anywhere it fucking well likes." He said.
So I said, "Show me a picture."
And he pulled out a police mug shot with the turkey looking mean and right into the camera.
"Will it go into an average oven?" I said.
"That depends." He said.
"On what?" I said.
"If you've an average oven." He said.
So I said, "You miss the point."
And he said "So did the turkey."
So I said, "How did you kill it?"
And he said, "With a gun."
"With a gun?" I said.
And he said, "Yes."
"What kind of gun?" I said.
"A big one." He said.
"A big one?" I said.
And he said "Yes."
So I said, "It wasn't with a spear then?"
And he said, "No."
We both paused.
"There was a spear involved." He said.
"Was there?" I said
And he said, "Yes,"
So I said, "And was this spear behind the point that was missed?"
And he said, "Yes."
So I said, "That explains the gun."
And he said, "Yes."
"Okay then, I'll have one of your turkeys. When shall I collect?" I said.
And he said, "I lied about the gun."
So I said, "You did?"
And he said, "Yes."
"It's not dead yet, is it?" I said.
And he said, "No."
So I said, "What do I get for my deposit?"
And he said, "A spear and a gun."
So I said, "A spear and a gun?"
And he said, "Yes."
So I said, "You do home delivery?"
And he said, "Sort of."
So I said, "Sort of?"
And he said "It delivers itself."
"Hence the spear and the gun?" I said.
And he said, "Yes."
"When this angry bird arrives I'll be expected to shoot it, or stick it with this spear." I said.
And he said, "You won't have to pluck it."
So I said, "Why?"
And he said, "Highly anxious type. By Christmas it'll have plucked itself."
"Well, thank heavens for small mercies."I said.
And he said. "Yes."
"All I have to do is kill it?" I said.
"Proves it's free range." He said.
"Shall I return the gun and spear after Christmas?" I said.
"No, you keep them." He said.
"Really," I said.
"Really," He said.
"And why is that?" I said.
"It's got relatives." He said.
"Fair enough." I said and left the shop.

Manchester this...

2007-11-13T20:53:00.001Z

evening, and heavy on the photoshop thank you very much. I've got a loverly little Canon IXUS 60 and took this handheld on ISO 800, then fiddled with photoshop and now it looks like a painting. Excellent!

Was out on my bike again, in the dark. I've bought loads of flashing lights so I wont be killed, put em on my helmet, on the bike, on the bag, on the pedals, on the spokes, on the handlebars, on the seat post, got so many lights I'm bleedin' knackered just hauling round my own weight in batteries. I'm so bright children think it's the Fair arriving and shout "Huzzah!" Birds think it's dawn and begin the morning chorus, a group of fundamentalists recently mistook me for the second coming and formed a new church and now I emit so much light I can be seen from space.

Still, if I get knocked down the buggers won't be able to claim they didn't see me.

"Your Honour, I was driving along the Queen's carriageway minding my own business when suddenly a great light appeared in the east and I thought what the fuck is that! Blinded, I ran into said light knocking (as I came to know him later) Mr Flynn into the canal where he subsequently suffered severe shocks due to an excess of voltage. M'Lud, if I'm guilty of anything it is of saving the night sky from this madman. I rest my case."

Hmmmm...

Cycling in Manchester...

2007-11-11T15:09:00.000Z

yesterday I came across hundreds of Christian bikers roaring down Deansgate dressed as Father Christmas. Not wholly sure that Santa Claus would approve of such recklessness what with his carbon footprint being so low. I researched some info on the carbon footprint of cows (in the absence of info on reindeer farts) and discovered what a major hazard bovine rear-end exhalations represent.

Thank the Lord those Christians didn't pass through town riding cows or else we'd be totally fucked.

The photo below is of the Dee Estuary from West Kirby, taken last weekend. That's Wales in the distance.

Think I'm gonna receive...

2007-11-06T19:11:00.000Z

a speeding ticket. Didn't see the cops until it was too late to slow down, they got me with a radar machine. Pah!

Someone at work has a great cartoon above their desk. It shows a big boss looking down on a lowly secretary and he says "Why aren't you working?" And she replies "I didn't see you coming."

Well I feel the same way about speed cops. Why was I speeding? I didn't see the cops. Doh!

Took this photo in West Kirby on Sunday eve.

Photoshop Elements 5.0

2007-11-01T19:43:00.000Z

is a wonderful object though I'm not sure about the "5.0" bit. Five point oh? Whatever happened to 5, or five? And what's this "Die Hard 4.0" about? Four point oh.

Photoshop Elements plays a more positive role in my life than any Bruce Willis film, as is evidenced on the right.

The image was achieved by fiddling with Photoshop though I can't now remember precisely what I did. However, the trick has brought me joy which I suppose is the main thing.

Came across this particular...

2007-10-29T20:22:00.000Z

swan on the Ashton Canal, liked the cut of its jib. In the UK all swans belong to the Queen. Grrr. They seem such graceful creatures, but apparently got vicious tempers, snap a man's leg clean off with a single look. Or is that break a child's leg with one wing. Or it might have been never pull a gun on a friend. The point I'm trying to make is, don't cross a cross swan. Oh no.

Autumn is in full swing...

2007-10-21T19:03:00.000Z

here in the UK. Hmmm. Although I think the place looks pretty, dressed in golds, auburns, russets, reds and yellows, it does not do for me what spring does.

However, Autumn nevertheless provides the opportunity for a bit of John Keats. The same happened last year I know but hey, why deny ourselves a bit of Keats? The photo was taken today on the Marple Canal that skirts the east of Manchester just below the Pennine foothills and above Ashton and Stockport. More pics on flickr over on't right...

Keats opens the second stanza of his poem with a question, "Where are the songs of spring? Ay, where are they?" He then implores autumn to ignore spring and instead appreciate itself, which is a lesson for me too. Spring, perhaps I love it too much, even to the detriment of autumn and winter. Nah, sod autumn and winter, they can look after themselves. Great poem though.

To Autumn

Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness,
Close bosom-friend of the maturing sun;
Conspiring with him how to load and bless
With fruit the vines that round the thatch-eves run;
To bend with apples the moss'd cottage-trees,
And fill all fruit with ripeness to the core;
To swell the gourd, and plump the hazel shells
With a sweet kernel; to set budding more,
And still more, later flowers for the bees,
Until they think warm days will never cease,
For summer has o'er-brimm'd their clammy cells.
Who hath not seen thee oft amid thy store?
Sometimes whoever seeks abroad may find
Thee sitting careless on a granary floor,
Thy hair soft-lifted by the winnowing wind;
Or on a half-reap'd furrow sound asleep,
Drows'd with the fume of poppies, while thy hook
Spares the next swath and all its twined flowers:
And sometimes like a gleaner thou dost keep
Steady thy laden head across a brook;
Or by a cyder-press, with patient look,
Thou watchest the last oozings hours by hours.

Where are the songs of spring? Ay, where are they?
Think not of them, thou hast thy music too, -
While barred clouds bloom the soft-dying day,
And touch the stubble-plains with rosy hue;
Then in a wailful choir the small gnats mourn
Among the river sallows, borne aloft
Or sinking as the light wind lives or dies;
And full-grown lambs loud bleat from hilly bourn;
Hedge-crickets sing; and now with treble soft
The red-breat whistles from a garden-croft;
And gathering swallows twitter in the skies.

- John Keats

Was in Derbyshire yesterday...

2007-09-24T20:21:00.000Z

walking up hill and down dale, testing the knee. On't right is a photo of Edale taken from the north side of Mam Tor. Mam Tor is a large pointy hill that sits astride the ridge line running from Hope in the east to Despair in the West. Actually that's not true because Derbyshire isn't remotely like any place described in The Pilgrim's Progress, though it can be spooky when there's a fog. Hope really does exist even if it has been many years since Caleb was a popular name in the village.

I notice...

2007-09-18T18:14:00.000Z

it's been over a month since the op on my leg. So, here's a photo of said leg, said almost recovered leg. A fine example of leg it is I must say. This is a leg that's going places, I can tell by the look of it. And what larks me and the leg will having this winter, walking larks, cycling larks, maybe even running larks (but no running until after Christmas larks). We might even be up with the larks, though I'm not wholly sure of this as I have an idea larks bugger off to Africa every winter. Or maybe that's Africans.

In honour of this leg I've bought a winter walking coat. A posh winter walking coat for winter walking because me and the leg are again at one, in the walking sense that is. The other leg? Well, the other leg has always been a hearty soul, has always liked a drink and a laugh and even a merry old song on occasion. The other leg is as tough as old boots. No injuries for the other leg, oh no. The other leg is a sturdy leg, a brave leg, a best foot forward leg. Tough as old boots? The other legs sneers at the thought of boots, scoffs at any reference to sole sheathing, jeers when the subject of foot cover even arises. The other leg is hard, a hard leg, the other leg gets into fights in bars. In fact the other leg came home drunk one evening recently and demanded a rendition of the sea shanty 'Bill Bones Hornpipe' before it would rest. Of late the other leg has taken against the leg. I've half heard harsh whispers, threats, even mention of a knife. I worry about the other leg and am secretly glad the leg is now recovered. It's around this time that feelings of equilibrium should begin to express themselves, five or six weeks after the op the man said, a return of equilibrium, of poise. So no more frustration, no more imbalance, only harmony, sigh. Bugger, the other leg's gone out again. Damn, where is that song sheet...

Bruise update...

2007-08-16T09:31:00.001Z

Wow! From certain angles this bruise looks like one of those Pacific archipelagos. The sort with shallow lagoons and coral. Or maybe a stigmata that got smudged, though I think of knee stigmata as more an indication of poor aim than pentecostal fervour. But what a stigmata! It's huge, a person would have to be really holy to be visited by something of this order. Either that or my leg was in the way of a sign meant for a local saint, it could even be a multiple stigmata originally destined for the nearby elderly and infirm. Bloody hell, all that suffering concentrated in one place, no wonder it looks a mess. That said, I think it best not to dwell too much on those waiting for the message that's now caught in the Limb of Leviticus. Hmmm, I feel saved already, might apply for a shrine grant from the Vatican, become bigger than Lourdes, lay down a car park and maybe an airport like Knock in Ireland. Of course the neighbourhood would have to go, but hey, sacrifice without pain, what would be the point of that?

I'm sticking with my leg theme...

2007-08-14T10:20:00.000Z

for a little while longer. This morning a nurse removed the dressing exposing some fine bruises, as shown in this fetching photograph. I'm impressed with keyhole surgery, minimal damage, quick recovery and returned to bar of life in the blink of an eye. What more can a leg ask? And once again the National Health Service comes to the rescue. I didn't agree that they hired a South African firm to do the job rather than it be done in house because I see this as part of the creeping privatisation of a trusted service, however, the job's done and I'm glad about that.

Wey hey!

I'm having a mid...

2007-08-13T11:00:00.003Z

summer clear out and decided to start with changing the colours on my blog. Hmmm, not sure about the yellow even though it gives the ol' place a summery feel. The leg on the right, by the way, belongs to me and the bandage covers surgical injuries because on Saturday I let a Hungarian rummage around in my knee. Actually, his actions were a little more focused than rummaging and he did a good job because, hurrah, he sorted out my cartilage problem. Or rather he repaired a tear in the meniscus via a procedure called an arthroscopy. I was very impressed though it all felt a little strange at the time.

The procedure started when a Scottish anaesthetist injected a drug into my spine that numbed everything below the waist. Now that felt really weird because it became as if my legs were no longer part of me even though I could see them. When I touched them they didn't feel like me and this was hard to realise because the evidence of my eyes was contradicted by the experience of my hands. Very odd indeed. I suppose it must have been a similar experience to those who suffer from paraplegia.

I didn't like it.

Initially I was offered a sedative, but scoffed, "Sedatives are for wimps" as they wheeled me into theatre. And lo, there I was, ringside seat whilst my Hungarian began to wrench around the table this leg that so clearly had very little to do with me. He cast a professional eye over the leg whilst I cast a sceptical eye over the same object and wondered what it was that had come between us. Just above me and to the left was a flat screen TV showing a knee that was strangely familiar. I liked the cut of its jib, I was amused by its form, I was taken by its sturdy, nay manly pose. That, I said to myself, is some knee. Whoever possesses such a knee must be successful in life and is no doubt a fellow well met, he may even have a girlfriend.

It was around this point that I asked for the sedative.

The remaining time went smoothly. I sang sea shanties and kept a weather eye on the TV which showed round things in liquid and instruments snipping and pushing and pulling and bits floating and other things that had so much and yet so little to do with me. Having exhausted sea shanties and about to move onto songs about herring they suddenly declared it was all over. I was whipped away to the recovery room where a nice chap called Mark checked my vitals before dispatching me to my room where I then lay for four and half hours until my legs returned once more to the fold. I was pleased to see them, would normally have partied but decided that such a thing may have been a touch too prodigal for the poor blighters so we had a cup of tea and some toast instead.

So, there you go. And my knee? Oh it's fine. A lot more subdued which is good because of late it had been getting above it's station, mocking the other one, not pulling its weight. Hah! Well no more. Fetch me the rubbing alcohol mother, the double K's back in town and it's dancing time again!!! Yee Haw!

The...

2007-07-23T19:48:00.000Z

Festival at The Edge which began on Friday was so deluged the Sunday bit was cancelled. However, I drank beer which more than made up for the disappointment.

I'd like to say I drank beer to compensate for the poor weather but why tell a lie, I drank beer because it was there. And such beer! The beer tent was organised by CAMRA (the campaign for real ale) and there were approximately 30 or 40 different beers, ales and stouts with exotic names too. For instance a pint of Old Gussett is a positive start to any evening, followed of course by a gill of Worker's Mange to be then chased below with a shot of Damp Merkin. Behind the bar were burly men who knew a thing or two about beer, the brewery, name of thebrewer, the particular condition of his weeping skin complaint and why his wife sued for divorce. Yes, real ale can tell a story though it's important not to lose a sense of perspective, it's important not to overstretch, it's important (unless one has simply stopped caring) to avoid drinks named Evacuated Colon and Surge because you never really know what's coming. Believe me, it's best to stay away from them. So I safely remained with the middle range beers drinking pint after pint of Minor Complaint, Enraged Anus and Throb. It was a good night from what I remember though strangely I was unable to sit down for the whole of Saturday. Sigh.

On Sunday In Manchester it was...

2007-07-23T19:36:00.001Z

briefly sunny. Huzzah!

The UK weather continues, on the whole, to be shit. Lots of floods and worry and misery. However, I spent the weekend, well, Friday and Saturday (Sunday was rained off) at FATE (The Festival at The Edge) in darkest Shropshire where I drank loads of beer and listened to some first class storytelling on the basis that FATE is a storytelling festival. Absolutely wonderful experience and I didn't mind the rain. In fact, being under canvas and listening the rain pitter patter, actually it was more like a heavy train passing, did not phase me one jot. Beer can be a wonderful soporific.

The River Mersey...

2007-07-16T22:03:00.001Z

on Saturday. Note how grey it is, so grey even photoshop couldn't improve matters. Pah!

Athough I was happy a couple...

2007-07-15T18:06:00.000Z

of weeks ago this rain is now getting me down. I've become seasonally affected, that is to say, I am SAD.

The Eastern Med is enjoying record temperatures whereas we in Western Europe are mired in bloody miserable rain and dullness.

Headline: Atlantic seaboard of Europe mired in miserable rain and dullness. Dan Flynn, a resident of Manchester spoke for most Western Europeans when he said, "We're mired in miserable rain and dullness."

And another thing, why is the Eastern Med stealing our sun ration? And why are we currently receiving more than our fair share of rain? And will the weather turn before I go camping this weekend at The Festival at the Edge, in Shropshire? And shall I take my wellies? And shall I take a hat, or a brolly or maybe both? I know I won't need a boat because the festival is up on an edge. Wenlock Edge is an escarpment which to me always sounds a risky place to hang around. I read somewhere about people plunging from escarpments, as if escarpments are places to be plunged from, then again it might have been peasants plunging from battlements so what do I know? Either way this coming weekend I intend to not plunge from anything.

And that's exactly how it should be.

The photo is of the River Mersey at Jackson's Boat in Chorlton yesterday.

Piranhas suffer from nerves...

2007-07-02T21:18:00.001Z

shock. Honest. All that guff about piranhas being the type of fish that would eat it's own mother, and it's mother's mother, and anyone elses mother turns out to be not true. In reality it seems the piranha is a fairly cuddly type, in fact the sort one might invite to babysit should they become neighbours. And all this pack stuff? Well solitude makes 'em anxious so naturally they're drawn to groups. And the teeth thing? A piranha spokesfish interviewed by Associated Press was quoted as saying, "We think this latest research might be a turning point. Yes, yes we know about the eyes and the teeth and the blood and the gore and the evisceration but you know, we're really just guys. Hey, some of us even have families. What's that Julian? Oh sorry, yes, some of us even had families."

Quite touching really.

Bones of giant penguin found...

2007-06-27T19:20:00.000Z

shock. It seems this penguin was running door security at some bar in Peru 36 million years ago. The penguin's remains, plus jacket were discovered when someone noticed he'd gone missing. By all accounts the 5 foot bird was particularly unpopular at cocaine parties. It's modern descendant survived Darwinian selection by developing more modest drugs practices and moving south where it winters on the frozen tundra of Antarctica. It is also notable that the modern penguin's 5ft forebear was unable to turn it's head without putting someone's eye out, and we are talking serious hazard here.

I mentioned recently Michio Kaku's Parallel Worlds and how modern physics posits a view of the universe that is profoundly strange. For instance rather than there being only one universe there may in fact be as many possible universes as there are possibilities. To quote from the text, "If this interpretation is correct, then at this very instant your body coexists with the wave functions of dinosaurs engaged in mortal combat. Coexisting in the room you are in is the wave function of a world where the Germans won World War II, where aliens from outer space roam, where you were never born and where a 5 ft penguin might be waiting to put your eye out..." (2005: p169)

Now, is that spooky or what? I don't mind Dirk, I named him Dirk as a friendly gesture, in Peru 36 million years ago but in my bedroom? Hmmm. I know, I know, call me old fashioned but I really do think a penguin's place is somewhere else. And besides, if my coke dealer ever catches a glimpse of that bird's conk then its beak won't be the only thing that's inflated. Jeeze, I'm paying through the nose as it is. Urf urf.

Bloody universes, grrrr.

It has poured with rain...

2007-06-21T21:08:00.000Z

in the UK for a week or so now. I discovered this photo in a rural paper that covers the quaint Cheshire village of Huge Injection. Cats and dogs have been replaced by elephants, so it was some downpour. Many locals, mostly named Jethro and Caleb were swept away. In my opinion this is no bad thing for they were hirsute, and most probably cousins which I thought added a Darwinian aspect to the tragedy. Mention of this to the grieving families seemed not to help.

In the meanwhile fear stalks Manchester with the first diagnosis of trench head. Now it moves easily among the city, ebbing and flowing, like Poe's Red Death. Excepting it's more fungal. A bit of a worry nevertheless.

I've been looking for...

2007-06-18T19:31:00.000Z

a summer poem to post because I'm happy. Happy at the summer, even though it has rained, nay, it has pissed down on the UK for a good week or so now. Am I downhearted? I am not!

Here's a bit of Bill Shakespeare. Although the sonnet compares youth to summer and in the comparison finds summer wanting, I like it all the same. Off we go then...

Sonnet XVIII 'Shall I compare thee to a summer's day'

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee."

Bloody marvelous. Just like summer in fact.

Oh yeah, and here's Pablo Neruda on wine...

Ode To Wine

"Day-colored wine,
night-colored wine,
wine with purple feet
or wine with topaz blood,
wine,
starry child
of earth,
wine, smooth
as a golden sword,
soft
as lascivious velvet,
wine, spiral-seashelled
and full of wonder,
amorous,
marine;
never has one goblet contained you,
one song, one man,
you are choral, gregarious,
at the least, you must be shared.
At times
you feed on mortal
memories;
your wave carries us
from tomb to tomb,
stonecutter of icy sepulchers,
and we weep
transitory tears;
your
glorious
spring dress
is different,
blood rises through the shoots,
wind incites the day,
nothing is left
of your immutable soul.
Wine
stirs the spring, happiness
bursts through the earth like a plant,
walls crumble,
and rocky cliffs,
chasms close,
as song is born.
A jug of wine, and thou beside me
in the wilderness,
sang the ancient poet.
Let the wine pitcher
add to the kiss of love its own.

My darling, suddenly
the line of your hip
becomes the brimming curve
of the wine goblet,
your breast is the grape cluster,
your nipples are the grapes,
the gleam of spirits lights your hair,
and your navel is a chaste seal
stamped on the vessel of your belly,
your love an inexhaustible
cascade of wine,
light that illuminates my senses,
the earthly splendor of life.

But you are more than love,
the fiery kiss,
the heat of fire,
more than the wine of life;
you are
the community of man,
translucency,
chorus of discipline,
abundance of flowers.
I like on the table,
when we're speaking,
the light of a bottle
of intelligent wine.
Drink it,
and remember in every
drop of gold,
in every topaz glass,
in every purple ladle,
that autumn labored
to fill the vessel with wine;
and in the ritual of his office,
let the simple man remember
to think of the soil and of his duty,
to propagate the canticle of the wine."

For wine drinkers this represents a call to arms. Cheers!

Currently I'm reading...

2007-06-10T18:49:00.001Z

Michio Kaku's Parallel Worlds (more of which in a mo), William Gay's new novel Twilight, and Paul Auster's The New York Trilogy.

Prof Kaku, a physicist and leading adherent of string theory proposes that there's more to the universe than meets the eye, as I too have noticed. However, string theory also allows for not one universe, i.e. this dusty ol' place of ours but loads of universes and some in which we might even also exist. Now, in purely practical terms I like the idea of also existing elsewhere because at the very least I can read more books and at the very most this multi-verse provides a top excuse to not turn up for things that will be boring.

"Oh, sorry to have missed your party last night but I was elsewhere." Fantastic, and it's not even a lie.

Hmmm, there's a catch though, some of these universes are not like ours. Some are tiny, so tiny they make tiny look the sort that might cause trouble in bars, and some look downright uncomfortable. Indeed, this Calebi-Yau universe appears no fun at all. It's either a tiny place, i.e. the sort that might get caught in your bum when you sit down, or it's huge and the equivalent of existing on a black run at one of those expensive ski resorts.

Now, there's a troubled thought.

The weather...

2007-06-03T17:49:00.000Z

a British obsession, granted, has been good. So yesterday morning I was up and early for a cycle down't Bridgewater Canal. This photo was taken at approx 8.15 am and I'm facing west so the sun is rising behind me. Hurrah!

In the early hours of this morning some people chose to have an argument in the street below my open bedroom window. Grrrr.

My hanging baskets are coming along beautifully, thank you all for asking.

I'm still working my way through Paul Auster's A New York Trilogy.

I'm gearing up for a a serious return to more regular blogging after a busy time in my life.

Last night I watched, for the umpteenth time Quentin Tarantino's movie Pulp Fiction, which remains rather excellent and in which John Travolta excels.

Being still knackered from broken sleep it is now my intention have a lie down, on my sofa of course and not on the floor, which would be too hard.

Friday's news was full

2007-06-03T17:35:00.000Z

of stuff about the artist Damien Hirst's latest work, a £50 million diamond encrusted skull. Not so much art as an another example of how obscene wealth can sometimes be. Mind you I think the work reflects very well the political and economic moment of its creation and provides yet another example of art gone to waste. Grrrr.

Salford City Council...

2007-05-29T19:38:00.001Z

it of the head cameras is about to pilot a new generation of ticket machines. The latest electronic warden, still at the teething stage, not only issues penalties but can actually hunt down miscreants who seek to avoid paying. Deaths so far fall well within the design quotient though the trampling problem was, to say the least, unexpected. But hey, if people won't stop when commanded then be it upon their own head, or what's left of it after apprehension. Okay, some tragedies were unfortunate, especially those involving children but a manufacturer's statement indicates numbers are expected to decline with the installation of gamma scanners. A spokesperson for the Council said "Our aim is to drive crime off the streets and back into the home where it belongs."

I think we can all say amen to that.

I want to say...

2007-05-28T21:07:00.000Z

something about Salford City Council who have attached cameras to the heads of their traffic wardens but will have to save it for tomorrow. Mind you they're a tad slow compared to traffic wardens in Manchester.

Dark matter found...

2007-05-21T18:26:00.000Z

shock. Dark Matter which by all accounts is dark has been found by astronomers using the Hubble Telescope. Apparently dark matter constitutes approx 85% of the universe which probably means it's even in tea. Meanwhile Dark Energy makes up the bulk of what's remaining of the universe. Being Dark energy I assume it's part of what helps keep the dark tea hot. Buy hey, what do I know?

Was cycling...

2007-05-20T19:48:00.000Z

yes cycling down the Bridgewater canal this morning and came across these little ducklings swimming in a row. They were happily twittering along and I thought would soon be large enough to grace any Sunday table.

Whilst mooching..

2007-05-13T14:53:00.000Z

through Guyana Gyal's blog I see mentioned in the comments an insect called The Blandford Fly.

Although G's post is about more serious biting insects, she does live in Guyana after all, I'm much taken by the quaintly named Blandford Fly. Of course the good folk of Blandford in Dorset seem to view this fly with less enthusiasm, however, in fly naming circles I think The Blandford Fly has done very well indeed. After all it could have been called The Ugly Hook Fly of Blandford Drain or some such thing but nope, in the name stakes it hit bulls eye first time.

The Blandford Fly reminds me of those 60's TV series such as The Persuaders, or Jason King, where chaps might wear a frilly shirt and sleep with lots of women to save them from surly types who were also thin. Indeed, I'm almost certain the original Blandford Fly was some TV fop who drove fast cars and knew the importance of washing colours separately. The Blandford Fly, a modern hero, brave, sensitive, and not at all afraid of using the delicate cycle on silk. Whadda guy!

Ooooo...

2007-05-10T17:24:00.001Z

I lost the comment facility on yesterday's post below.

Bugger. I've no idea where it went. I hate this technical stuff. I am to technical stuff what the rain was to Noah's ark. Of absolutely no use whatsoever, in fact even a little dangerous.

Hey! I found it again. Am I not a genius?

Phew. Well, that's another life crisis dealt with. Dusts off hands and moves on purposefully.

Hot news...

2007-05-09T19:44:00.000Z

on Herod. Archeologists have found his tomb. Having broken through a wall and down some steps the diggers discovered a huge throne constructed entirely from the bones of little children and situated beneath two murals. The first shows a hung over Herod at a large window outside of which children are playing. The caption says 'Herod demands someone silence the children.' The second mural shows a post slaughter Herod asking 'Was that too harsh? Anyone?'

Not a nice man, though I understand that apart from being king he was also a regular slaughterer of folk so the kids thing was nothing new. Well, okay, even by his standards it was over the top but what else can one expect from a friend of the Romans?

Today Sean and I...

2007-05-07T18:10:00.000Z

have been planting and pruning and propagating in my back yard. Sean was spurned by his lover last night and so arrived at my front door, 11am on this bank holiday morning filled with verve and displacement energy. Never being one to look a gift horse in the mouth I let him loose and lo we cleaned out all the pots before planting trailing lobelia, marigolds, snapdragons and lots of other wonderful flowers whose names are too many for me to remember. I will post photos once they bloom.

Sean left around 2pm, declaring ended his relationship with P whom he's known for three weeks. I firmly believe my little yard, like a phoenix, has risen from the ashes of Sean's relationship with P. Given the amount of decorating I need doing indoors it's a shame he doesn't split up more often.

But then again three weeks is a record for him so I might get the decorating done after all. Wey hey! Hmmm, I sense a business opportunity. By synchronising with neighbourhood decorating or odd job rhythms, his relationship rhythms, a fortune might be earned. Could design a flier "SEAN 'O' JOB" GET HIM WHILE HE'S HOT! will deliver to door. Very low maintenance - All that's required is cups of tea and a fake interest in his problems. WORK GUARANTEED. (UNTIL HE MEETS SOMEONE ELSE THAT IS). SEAN 'O' JOB - available every three weeks. (SEAN 'O' JOB is a company limited only by his lust)

Right, that's being posted to the printers first thing on the morrow.

Ahhh, bliss...

2007-05-02T20:42:00.000Z

on a Wednesday eve in spring as the sun goes down.

So I've got a new

2007-04-30T19:09:00.000Z

bike. So I've been out cycling. So I've taken some photos. So here's one of a footbridge at Castlefield in Manchester. Sometime prior to Castlefield becoming a canal basin it was a favourite hangout of the Romans. And those of you who've read any Roman history will know what a bunch of bad bastards them ancient Romans were.

Romans are no longer a worry in Castlefield so all in all I had a good day out. Thank you for asking.

It's raining in Manchester...

2007-04-23T19:38:00.000Z

again! Over the past few weeks it's hardly rained at all but hey, when there's bike riding to be done the weather must be fine, ipso facto. I'm not advocating drought, or global warming but since purchasing my new bike (hmmm, and just who is that handsome stranger...) I prefer drier weather.

Indeed had the weather not been loverly, and had I not been out cycling this here image might never have been recorded.

In term of choices I'm ready to admit my passion for cycling might have been total had I first considered a machine that would fit through a front door, or perhaps chosen a model to mount rather than ascend, and then there's the nose bleeds. But what is pleasure without sacrifice? What is indulgence without pain? What is enjoyment without a rat gnawing at the innards, tearing and ripping and slashing and the blood and the gore and the mess, the stinking slippery mess...

Oops, suddenly came over all Mel Gibson... maybe need to lie down a moment... sip camomile tea...

Jeeze, and all I did was buy a bike...

How hard is that?

Here's a photo...

2007-04-22T21:10:00.000Z

of my yard that I'm preparing for the summer. Wey hey!

I read the other day...

2007-04-12T18:23:00.000Z

in Hayden's blog that meat producers in the US feed arsenic to chickens as an approved additive. Arsenic promotes growth, kills parasites and improves pigmentation, indeed it is the next miracle food. I said it to my broker only the other day, Tarquin I said, the future's in arsenic so buy arsenic futures. My friends say, Dan, much more of this and you'll have no future, but what do they know, the fools ha ha ha, ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

I've also discovered that tincture of arsenic taken before breakfast can settle the bowels and calm the innards. Can prepare a person for the day, even if it might be their last.

Of course the food industry in Europe is not beyond reproach in this regard. A recent Food Safety Agency investigation showed 25% of chicken flocks in the EU were infected with salmonella. And doesn't this just demonstrate the yawning gap between the US and Europe? Amerca, bold, brash believes in poisoning its customers directly whereas European food manufacturers prefer more indirect means. Why kill em stone dead when you can make them linger? Linger longer spenda casha. Hmmm, might sell that slogan, make some dosh, buy more futures before what's left of mine runs out.

Rome Adventures II...

2007-04-09T16:38:00.000Z

To walk through the Roman Forum and touch the brickwork and marbled masonry, to stand next to the cremation place of Julius Caesar was quite the experience. Within the Forum are triumphal arches, basilicas, the Rostra where speeches were declaimed and the Curia wherein the Senate met and plotted. Along the Via Sacra, ancient Rome's most important street I too walked as had Pompey, Cicero and others before me, not that I'm comparing myself, for a start I'm not that big a bastard. Being so close to history can make a person thoughtful and it was impossible to mistake how grand the place originally had been. Tom Holland in his book Rubicon quotes Plutarch who records that to achieve Caesar's conquest of Gaul 1 million people were killed, 1 million were enslaved and 800 cities were taken by storm. Rome's dominance lasted for hundreds of years and the conquest of Gaul was only one campaign, little wonder therefore it produced an architecture of equal magnificence to its power.

Would I go back, you bet your sweet boo boo I bloody well would. For a start we barely scratched the surface, barely tasted the food, barely drank the wine (Sean's teetotal anyway) barely heard enough sublime opera, barely walked those wonderful streets, barely sat in those wonderful gardens, barely drank enough espresso and I certainly wasn't rude enough about the Catholic Church.

The oranges, by the way, are from The Palatine Hill where the posh, powerful and super rich of Rome used to live. 2000 years ago my ancestors, who were mainly blue due to an excess of woad will probably have encountered the Romans. Glad I missed that one...

A post for...

2007-04-07T11:23:00.000Z

Guyana Gyal.

Arriving in Rome, Sean (that's him on the right, a too flattering photo to my mind) and I disembarked from our train at the San Pietro station and walked to St Peter's Square. The square itself is a fairly grand affair demonstrating as much the wealth and power of the Catholic church as the Glory of God. To be honest its grandeur was the only thing I found interesting and the layer upon layer of statuary and symbolism too crowded and too overwhelming. The square is situated in the centre of huge columned curves topped off with numerous statues of those the church wish to honour.

Grandeur though, was the common denominator in Rome and grandeur linked St Peter's Square, the Colosseum, The Pantheon and all the other places we experienced. Rome is a city of grandeur, of magnificence, of great beauty and to be honest I fell in love and dream of returning. Given I'm from a cold and wet Manchester it was a pleasure to sit in pavement cafes drinking aromatic espresso coffee and watch the world go by. For holiday reading I took with me Tom Holland's Rubicon, his very fine narrative history of Rome from it's origins in 753BC until the death of Caesar Augustus in AD14. Holland mainly concentrates his energies on the period of dynastic and internecine struggles that characterised Rome from the end of the wars with Carthage to the more stable government established by Augustus.

Rome's many baroque attractions were impressive by any standards and I was particularly taken by the Trevi Fountain and Castel Sant'Angelo, However in terms of jaw dropping impressiveness the infinitely older Pantheon and The Colosseum stood out particularly. The Pantheon is a circular building 43 metres in diameter and 43 metres in height with a roof span of 43 metres unsupported by columns or external buttressing. That is to say the roof is totally supported by the walls and there are no buttresses on the outside. Durham Cathedral in the UK is one of my favourite buildings but the weight of its height requires huge flying buttresses to stop the walls from bulging outwards. The Pantheon although a fraction the size of Durham nevertheless presented similar architectural problems for supporting a single span roof. Roman architects and engineers, expert concreters that they were, solved the weight problem by using pumice in the roof concrete to make it light and rigid. Clever stuff, especially given another 900 years were to pass before thoughts as grand as Cathedrals in Durham was even pondered.

Ah, GG has set me going now and I want to describe the Roman Forum and our visit to the opera where we heard a wonderful Tosca at the tiny Teatro Flaiano sung by Olga Kotlyarova. I was also excited by the Colosseum, the Palatine Hill, the gardens in the Villa Borghese, and to be frank, the literally hundreds of places we did not see. Plus, I'm unable to leave Rome alone until I've mentioned the sheer brutality of those early times that Tom Holland so ably describes in Rubicon. Cruelty, sacrifice and suffering were the foundations of ancient Rome and whilst it's monuments are astonishing in their beauty and scope I could not enjoy them without also reflecting on the human cost of that Imperial vision.

More of this later...

Rome...

2007-04-04T20:18:00.000Z

what a stunning city. Words can't do the place justice so I've posted some photos on Flickr, to't right.

Here's a photo...

2007-03-28T18:54:00.000Z

of some stairs in The Lowry Theatre, Salford, Greater Manchester.

Tomorrow I'm orf to Rome and will return next Tuesday. Wey hey!!!!

Last night...

2007-03-27T20:00:00.000Z

I caught up with an old buddy who invited me to meet her horse. I'd forgotten what huge beasts they are and not for the first time stood in silent wonder at how the French manage to get them into a can.

Tonight...

2007-03-23T18:19:00.001Z

I shall mainly drink gin.