Sunday, December 16, 2007

Went to the butchers...

to order a free range bird for Christmas and he said "Free range, eh?"
So I said, "Yes."
And he said, "We've a new line. Very old breed of turkey. Goes way back, to the dinosaurs. Angry type. We'll need a deposit."
"Does it graze in the wild?" I said.
"It grazes anywhere it fucking well likes." He said.
So I said, "Show me a picture."
And he pulled out a police mug shot with the turkey looking mean and right into the camera.
"Will it go into an average oven?" I said.
"That depends." He said.
"On what?" I said.
"If you've an average oven." He said.
So I said, "You miss the point."
And he said "So did the turkey."
So I said, "How did you kill it?"
And he said, "With a gun."
"With a gun?" I said.
And he said, "Yes."
"What kind of gun?" I said.
"A big one." He said.
"A big one?" I said.
And he said "Yes."
So I said, "It wasn't with a spear then?"
And he said, "No."
We both paused.
"There was a spear involved." He said.
"Was there?" I said
And he said, "Yes,"
So I said, "And was this spear behind the point that was missed?"
And he said, "Yes."
So I said, "That explains the gun."
And he said, "Yes."
"Okay then, I'll have one of your turkeys. When shall I collect?" I said.
And he said, "I lied about the gun."
So I said, "You did?"
And he said, "Yes."
"It's not dead yet, is it?" I said.
And he said, "No."
So I said, "What do I get for my deposit?"
And he said, "A spear and a gun."
So I said, "A spear and a gun?"
And he said, "Yes."
So I said, "You do home delivery?"
And he said, "Sort of."
So I said, "Sort of?"
And he said "It delivers itself."
"Hence the spear and the gun?" I said.
And he said, "Yes."
"When this angry bird arrives I'll be expected to shoot it, or stick it with this spear." I said.
And he said, "You won't have to pluck it."
So I said, "Why?"
And he said, "Highly anxious type. By Christmas it'll have plucked itself."
"Well, thank heavens for small mercies."I said.
And he said. "Yes."
"All I have to do is kill it?" I said.
"Proves it's free range." He said.
"Shall I return the gun and spear after Christmas?" I said.
"No, you keep them." He said.
"Really," I said.
"Really," He said.
"And why is that?" I said.
"It's got relatives." He said.
"Fair enough." I said and left the shop.