Sunday, April 21, 2013

Justin Bieber's...

monkey seized by officials. 

As he was led away the monkey shouted to onlookers, "I'm Spartacus!" A spokesperson for the tour said later, "We've no idea who this Spartacus is. Mr Bieber has never employed anyone called Spartacus and wants to distance himself from the monkey's claim otherwise." 

Of the genus Papio the monkey was later interviewed by Bob Smallbean for the BBC a transcript of which is below.

Bob, "Welcome. What shall we call you?"

"Call me anything you like, darling. You're paying for this."

Bob, "Yes, but you must have a name."

"Is it okay if I smoke? Another gin would be nice too. D'you mind? Where is that waiter. Alfonse! Over here darling. Another pink gin, yes darling, and easy on the pink this time. You're too sweet."

Bob, "Your name?"

"Now that's a difficult one. Us monkeys aren't given to naming each other. Not that far advanced you see."

Bob, "Justin must have called you something."

"He generally called me a little shit. Ah, here's the gin. Lovely, lovely. Sure you won't join me? No? Well, please yourself. Alfonse, before you go give me a light, will you? Thank you darling. Oh, and keep the drinks coming there's a love. The BBC's paying so there's no need to scrimp."

Bob, "Justin called you a little shit?"

"Only on account of the shitting darling. Can't be potty trained you see. Not that far advanced. Monkeys don't stand on ceremony when it comes to shit we just do it. Ha ha. I remember shitting in his Steinway once. Got my todger caught in the strings too. Did I mention my todger? Lovely thing, feels fabulous. Do you want a look? No? Well you're no fun."

Bob,"How long have you been with Justin?"

"I've no idea. No concept of time you see. Not that far advanced. Where's Alfonse? Here he is. Well done darling. You just keep lining them up. Now, where were we?"

Bob, "Was he a good owner? Did he take care of you?"

"In what sense take care, darling?"

Bob, "Were you fed regularly, did you have somewhere to sleep? That sort of thing."

"Oh, that taking care of. I though you meant like by the mafia. Being bumped off."

Bob, "Why would you think I meant being killed?"

"He bumped off a few before me I can tell you. Monkey one and monkey err. What comes after one darling?"


"Yes and straight into the bin they went. Monkeys one and two. With every image change comes a new monkey. Sometimes it's hard to tell what day it is. We're not very far advanced you see. Did I mention that? Here's Alfonse. Be a dear darling and fetch me some of those canapes I spotted at the bar. Nothing fishy though. Fish causes havoc with my bowels and we know where that can lead. Ha ha. Fortunately, I noticed a piano on the way in."

Bob, "How does he do it? It must be distressing."

"With a huge gun, in the main. He's a lousy shot. You should see the state of his walls. Darling, try one of these canapes. They're delicious. Of course it pishes me off."

Bob, "Pishes?"

"Sorry darling. Am I slurring? Not eaten since I was seized by the cops and they only released me an hour ago. ALFONSE! OVER HERE DARLING. More canapes, there's a sweet. Sorry, was I shouting?"

Bob, "Will you be rejoining Justin's party for the rest of the tour?"

"I thought I was. There should have been a car to collect me from immigration but there wasn't so I got a cab. It's nothing to scamper up 15 floors from the outside and on reaching the balcony I see Justin with a macaque. A FUCKING MACAQUE. Can you believe it. He replaced me with a macaque. I was only gone a couple of hours. ALFONSE. THIS GLASS IS EMPTY. Thank you darling but you need to be quicker. I'm upset."

Bob, "Why are you upset?"

"I've been replaced by a macaque. Darling, wouldn't you be upset if they replaced you with a turd? Well, it amounts to the same thing. Macaques have no conversation, they have no manners, they're constantly plagued with fleas and don't get me started on that sniffing bums thing. Thank you Alfonse, you've started bringing doubles. Bless you. Did I ever say how much I love you Alfonse? No, well I fucking well do. I'll tell everyone. HEY, YOU MISERABLE FUCKERS. THIS GUY ALFONSE. I FUCKING LOVE HIM."

Bob, "You're upset?"

"Fucking right I'm upset. I had a job, I had a home. Don't get me wrong Justin's not the sharpest tool in the box but he was fun to be around. A fucking macaque, can you believe it. Still, at least I've not been shot so that's a comfort... Justin fucking Bieber. Wanna know a secret about Justin fucking Bieber? He only likes monkeys because we make him look bright. Ishh true. But I won't cry, stiff upper lip and all that, what? ALFONSE, DARLING, ANOTHER TINCTURE FOR THE BROKEN HEARTED. HMMM? And yes love I do mean me. Just look at him, Bob, see those tight buns? It's like watching two cats fightng in a sack. That man is a god."

Bob, "What will you do now?"

"Oh, I'll be fine. Got a bit of money stashed away. Not sure how much. Can't count you see. Here's Alfonse with another large gin. What a peach. Speaking of large ones, Bob, you know what I now need most? A shit. Where has that piano got to?"

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Justin Bieber's...

monkey seized by officials. "It does the boy no harm to have his monkey seized ocassionally." A friend said later.