from Siberia where temperatures reached minus 60 is about to hit the UK and we're all gonna get cold. For the last two years or so I've been at war with three cats living nearby who insist on digging up the pot plants in my yard and leaving their shit where previously grew beautiful flowers. My real hope for the coming weather is that a la 'The Day After Tomorrow' an incredible temperature plunge will sweep from the skies catch them mid poo and freeze the fuckers to death. I would be soooo happy if come the following morning I might look through my kitchen window to see frozen solid, just at the moment of strain, three frosted cats. Wish fulfillment I know but without dreams we are diminished.
When I say at war with the cats what I really mean is that I've surrendered, given up. Yet these spawn of Beelzibub for too long have prevented me from planting flowers in my back yard pots. To scare them away during this period I've tried black pepper, white pepper, cayenne pepper, some incredibly stinky stuff from the pet shop that was like green jelly and smelled so strong the back door warped and I couldn't get out. The door was reduced to such a state I then worried the smell might get in. Were the cats bothered? Not a bit, they laughed, sneered, indeed one of them in full view took to dabbing the green stuff behind its ears and giving me the finger (well paw) from atop the gate. Other neighbourhood animals caught on and started to snigger behind my back and for a while I seemed never far from laughter, a mocking and cruel laughter that crept from alleyways, that echoed out of drainage grids, that seemed to lunge over walls, but then again that might just have been the bad drugs so I never took any of it too seriously. Friends suggested solutions such as a powerful water pistol or an air pistol, maybe razor wire, or shards of glass cemented on the wall top. The razor wire or glass solutions seemed too problematic and besides I'd no wish to turn my yard into a mini Folsom. I have been attracted to the shooting suggestion, particularly if it involves a proper GUN though sitting in my yard for hours on end cradling a rifle like some nutter holds no appeal at all. My mate Sean says there's machines that generate sounds pitched to scare the bejabers out cats, dogs and other animals. If these machines do exist then they're the ones for me! Mind you I am saddened there's to be no suffering involved, not even a little bleeding from the ears. Ah well, can't have everything. Might get a gun anyway.
8 comments:
Bastard cats. We have bastard squirrels, who nip through the gates in Victoria Park and dig up all our lovingly-planted bulbs.
You might be interested in the Sonic Voodoo Box that Anna wrote about on Little Red Boat (sorry don't know how to do clever link thing)
http://www.littleredboat.co.uk/014509.php
Annie,
I partly hate cats because I'm severely allergic to them, need inhalers to survive when they are around. I also hate them because they shit in my yard, so overall I really really really, no I really do mean really hate the little arrogant fuckers. My ideal cat is a flat cat, in a gutter, squished. I know that may sound cruel but when it comes to cats there is no light in my soul.
HAHAHAHA...sorry Dan, didn't mean to laugh hahahaha oops...I have a friend who hates cats too.
Email the cats to my sis who used to have about 20 here in Guyana. She thinks cats are adorable.
They know when people hate them and torment them the most.
My uncle has a running battle with squirrels in the USA.
g,
There's a park nearby where the squirrels chill in this neighbourhood. They tend to avoid my end of the street as there's no trees near me. As a result it's only cats that bother me. And honest I really am gonna get a gun an start a'shootin.
Have you considered using a crossbow instead? It has several advantages, it is silent, you can reuse the shafts, it is great fun and it doesn't require much skill (at least no as much as a long bow, you can even get one with a laser sight).
You can also use a slingshot with metal pellets. I think I would actually start by trying the slingshot.
Now you got ME in the mood for some target practicing!
living in the city there was a rat highway that emerged near the roots of our tree. Or I guess since it came up from the vicinity of the sewers it would have been a low-way, instead of a highway. We jammed poison down it, stones and glass, nothing worked. They laughed at the poison and neatly stacked stones and glass at the entrance to the re-opened low-way. The City has a rat-control problem so I called them. Not only did they not want to deal with it, the only suggestion I received was "have you got a gun?"
Now, given that I lived in a major City with a million people crammed into a tiny sliver of land, with laws against shooting w/i said City limits, I thought that a bit odd.
But afterwards when I heard guns at night I could always choose to believe it was rat hunters.
Hayden,
I seem to remember reading somewhere that any human in any place is never less than seven feet from a rat. Not sure that applies to those who live on the second floor or above, but I can see what is meant. If I was you I should be careful of those rearranging rats, they're the worst kind. You go to bed and the next morning open the blinds to discover the garden's had a complete makeover and in your kitchen are surprised househunters because the rats put your property on the market and are about to make a killing. Hayden mate, show them no mercy or you'll suddenly find yourself living in another part of town with no knowledge of how you got there.
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