My mate Sean...

has insisted I buy goldfish for my little pond. Under other circumstances I would have posted a photo of said pond but being sans posh camera that's no longer an option.

In the local pet shop I was told that herons sometimes eat pond fish. Now that did impress me, not that herons eat fish but that anything as gracious as a heron should knock around these parts. I've never seen one in the neighbourhood but Big Trev the halitotic alley cat who lives out back has. Last week whilst changing the battery of my super duper electronic cat scarer/stabber/boiler of feline eyer I noticed Trev lurking.

Trev, "Was admiring your fish the other day when I saw an eagle."
"An eagle?" I said.
"An eagle." He said.
"What did it look like?" I said.
"An eagle," He said.
"Are you sure?" I said.
So he said, "Yes."
I said, "Have you ever seen an eagle before?"
He said, "No."
"Then how did you know it was an eagle?" I said.
"I just assumed." He said.
Give me some details." I said.
So he said, "It was tall with beady eyes and thin legs and a long beak. Oh yeah, and beady eyes."
"I think that was a heron." I said.
"A heron?" He said.
So I said "Yes."
"Have you ever seen a heron before?" He said.
"No." I said.
"Then how did you know it was a heron, you weren't even there."
"The pet shop man said there were herons about,"
Shading his eyes with a paw Big Trev looked skywards.
"He didn't mention eagles then?"
"No," I said.
"Thank fuck for that." He said.
"Why?"I said.
"I saw on the telly that eagles can carry off a whole sheep in one swoop. Was worried."
"About sheep?" I said.
"No, about swooping and things being carried off." He said.
I said, "Apparently herons don't swoop, they stab."
"Stab?" He said.
"Stab." I said.
"It had very beady eyes." He said.
"All the better to see you with." I said.
"And a very beaky beak." He said.
"All the better to stab you with." I said.
"Bloody hell." He said and proceeded to slink away then he hesitated and said, "I read somewhere that herons only eat fish."
"You're thinking of catholics." I said.
"Bugger," He said and continued the slink, ducking and weaving down the alley, dodging imaginary herons.
"Look out!" I shouted and with a screeching miaooowwwwww he skittered through the bins and disappeared.

Ah were reet cheered up.