Wednesday, June 28, 2006

My mate Sean...

has insisted I buy goldfish for my little pond. Under other circumstances I would have posted a photo of said pond but being sans posh camera that's no longer an option.

In the local pet shop I was told that herons sometimes eat pond fish. Now that did impress me, not that herons eat fish but that anything as gracious as a heron should knock around these parts. I've never seen one in the neighbourhood but Big Trev the halitotic alley cat who lives out back has. Last week whilst changing the battery of my super duper electronic cat scarer/stabber/boiler of feline eyer I noticed Trev lurking.

Trev, "Was admiring your fish the other day when I saw an eagle."
"An eagle?" I said.
"An eagle." He said.
"What did it look like?" I said.
"An eagle," He said.
"Are you sure?" I said.
So he said, "Yes."
I said, "Have you ever seen an eagle before?"
He said, "No."
"Then how did you know it was an eagle?" I said.
"I just assumed." He said.
Give me some details." I said.
So he said, "It was tall with beady eyes and thin legs and a long beak. Oh yeah, and beady eyes."
"I think that was a heron." I said.
"A heron?" He said.
So I said "Yes."
"Have you ever seen a heron before?" He said.
"No." I said.
"Then how did you know it was a heron, you weren't even there."
"The pet shop man said there were herons about,"
Shading his eyes with a paw Big Trev looked skywards.
"He didn't mention eagles then?"
"No," I said.
"Thank fuck for that." He said.
"Why?"I said.
"I saw on the telly that eagles can carry off a whole sheep in one swoop. Was worried."
"About sheep?" I said.
"No, about swooping and things being carried off." He said.
I said, "Apparently herons don't swoop, they stab."
"Stab?" He said.
"Stab." I said.
"It had very beady eyes." He said.
"All the better to see you with." I said.
"And a very beaky beak." He said.
"All the better to stab you with." I said.
"Bloody hell." He said and proceeded to slink away then he hesitated and said, "I read somewhere that herons only eat fish."
"You're thinking of catholics." I said.
"Bugger," He said and continued the slink, ducking and weaving down the alley, dodging imaginary herons.
"Look out!" I shouted and with a screeching miaooowwwwww he skittered through the bins and disappeared.

Ah were reet cheered up.

7 comments:

neena maiya (guyana gyal) said...

Get some piranhas for the pond!!

I was watching a show about life in the interior here, and some Amerindian fellas were fishing and they caught a piranha [we call 'em pirai] and the fish chomped its way through the stick.

Dan Flynn said...

G,

My pond is so tiny it would support only one piranha and they last thing I need is a stroppy man eating fish. Then again, if it ate the local cats, hmmm...

Hayden said...

I think they DO eat cats, Dan. Preferentially. They wouldn't even nibble your toe. I'm absolutely certain that your perfectly safe. In fact they like to be petted. Really they do.

that said, Trev did pay me to repeat all of that.

Dan Flynn said...

Hayden,

I am not put off by Trev's schemes and so am seriously considering a piranha or two. Watch this space...

Hayden said...

a piranha or two, Dan? now 2's as bad as one and a solitary piranha is a sad thing to see.

they like team work, you know? that's where they really excel. one goes for the fingers, another for the eyes, and a third for the toes, then 4 and 5 and 6 to just munch through whatever providence has offered them.

nothing like a close-knit team of piranhas giving a finny high-five as they pick their teeth with cat bones.

Dan Flynn said...

Hayden,

My admiration goes out to any animal, fish or fowl that will pick it's teeth with cat bones. Call me old fashioned but...

DCveR said...

I'm with GG! A piranhas pond! That would be just great!