Sundown over...

Matthews Lane. Everyday the sun moves further south and soon will set behind the house opposite.

Ancient flying reptiles reprieved...

or so claims today's Observer newspaper. Pterodactyls, or pterosaurs now called were not the evil bat like creatures with odd shaped heads and long beaks that could pierce the standard chest at a glance. Latest research denies pterosaurs as wilful cackling monsters roaming the Jurassic sky and suggests incredibly long lived and graceful creatures surviving 160 million years. It appears therefore that these hardy flyers have been given a very poor press by the likes of HG Wells and Steven Spielberg.

Yes, if turned suddenly or without warning that beak could have out the average eye and yes those teeth could tear out the average gizzard should the beast be standing on your chest. But times were brutal back then. After all, who of us can be surprised that alongside the evolution of eyes should also evolve beaks for poking them out. Evolution is playful. Before becoming too misty we should remember the pterosaur diet included insects, small dinosaurs and mammals. I'm not much stirred by the fate of insects and small dinosaurs but eating the mesozoic mammal was wrong. Small and furry I know but they were kin and we should not forget that.

Archaeopteryx...

so recently knocked off it's perch by archaeologists makes astonishing comeback in the late heats reports the BBC.

Howard Archaeopteryx, dabbing a fossil tear told reporters, "I spent 150 million years pressed into rock waiting for this day and I've not been so moved since the JCB ran over me head. Finally, I'd like to thank the fans and those who never lost faith, even after we were given the bird. Thank you so much. There'll be time for questions after the buffet."

People chase cheese...

down a Gloucester hill, shock. This weekend thousands of excitable cheese chasers met in leafy Gloucester atop a very steep incline. With no thought to life or limb these hardy souls plunged after said cheese with vigour. More than one race meant everyone could have a go. As I understand it broken limbs were minimal, broken heads minimum and broken jaws, mmmm, mm. In a much criticised move organisers used a fake cheese for safety reasons. It's clear from the photo below that a false cheese made all the difference. Next year they're hoping to arrange proceedings on a false hill. 

As usual local police took a dim view of the event with Sgt Jabez Knacker telling the press, "We take dim view of the event." The ambulance service, on the other hand, had an excellent day out and used up all their bandages.

Awakening after...

after 17 years underground in the US of A billions of cicadas emerge to focus on six solid weeks of sex, drugs and wild partying. 

Speaking for cicadas everywhere Joey Tremblewing told the New York Times, "While the frenzy of sex, drugs, noise, booze and wild partying might appear excessive to some we must not forget those who heeded  the UN's call to eat more insects by plunging into a vat of chocolate."

Eat more insects...

says UN. Marty Bodkin, spokesbug for INSECTS! the main European collective of Insectum and Allied Chitinous Groupings, pictured, told Associated Press, "Just because we're small it doesn't mean we can't love."

Marty, always one to provide a little colour was later seen gorging at the bottom of an unwashed jam jar while belting out that old classic, "If you think we are fucked clap your hands."

Another spokesbug for INSECTS! told the BBC sternly, "It's a disappointment to us that Marty is back on the jam."

Much controversy

at London conference entitled "Did humans come from the seas instead of the trees?" The orthodoxy challenging proposal speculates that humans are descended from apes living aside water rather than wandering Africa's dry savannahs. Professor Rhys Evans says "We are trying to discuss the pros and cons of the theory... But many of the things that are unique to humans - such as a descended larynx, walking upright, fat beneath the skin, and most obviously an extremely large brain - it seems can best be accounted for as adaptations to extended periods in an aquatic environment."

Not being one to jump the gun, so to speak, I can claim a little credit for highlighting some time ago evidence contradicting the standard notion that gorillas are fearful of water.

Dan Flynn, ahead of the pack. Odd I wasn't invited. 

Happily,

Edinburgh University have declared exposure to sun is good for us. Yes, there's a chance of cancer but who isn't willing to take that chance when the alternative is ricketts, scrofula, scrapie and weeping skin lesions only curable through an urchin's touch? Not many of us I'll be bound and especially since the urchin shortage shows little sign of relenting. Unless, of course, at the next election the Tories get in again. If they do we can add being buggered to that dismal list.


Such a miserable post Dan. What the fuck's going on?

Justin Bieber's...

monkey seized by officials. 

As he was led away the monkey shouted to onlookers, "I'm Spartacus!" A spokesperson for the tour said later, "We've no idea who this Spartacus is. Mr Bieber has never employed anyone called Spartacus and wants to distance himself from the monkey's claim otherwise." 

Of the genus Papio the monkey was later interviewed by Bob Smallbean for the BBC a transcript of which is below.

Bob, "Welcome. What shall we call you?"

"Call me anything you like, darling. You're paying for this."

Bob, "Yes, but you must have a name."

"Is it okay if I smoke? Another gin would be nice too. D'you mind? Where is that waiter. Alfonse! Over here darling. Another pink gin, yes darling, and easy on the pink this time. You're too sweet."

Bob, "Your name?"

"Now that's a difficult one. Us monkeys aren't given to naming each other. Not that far advanced you see."

Bob, "Justin must have called you something."

"He generally called me a little shit. Ah, here's the gin. Lovely, lovely. Sure you won't join me? No? Well, please yourself. Alfonse, before you go give me a light, will you? Thank you darling. Oh, and keep the drinks coming there's a love. The BBC's paying so there's no need to scrimp."

Bob, "Justin called you a little shit?"

"Only on account of the shitting darling. Can't be potty trained you see. Not that far advanced. Monkeys don't stand on ceremony when it comes to shit we just do it. Ha ha. I remember shitting in his Steinway once. Got my todger caught in the strings too. Did I mention my todger? Lovely thing, feels fabulous. Do you want a look? No? Well you're no fun."

Bob,"How long have you been with Justin?"

"I've no idea. No concept of time you see. Not that far advanced. Where's Alfonse? Here he is. Well done darling. You just keep lining them up. Now, where were we?"

Bob, "Was he a good owner? Did he take care of you?"

"In what sense take care, darling?"

Bob, "Were you fed regularly, did you have somewhere to sleep? That sort of thing."

"Oh, that taking care of. I though you meant like by the mafia. Being bumped off."

Bob, "Why would you think I meant being killed?"

"He bumped off a few before me I can tell you. Monkey one and monkey err. What comes after one darling?"

"Two."

"Yes and straight into the bin they went. Monkeys one and two. With every image change comes a new monkey. Sometimes it's hard to tell what day it is. We're not very far advanced you see. Did I mention that? Here's Alfonse. Be a dear darling and fetch me some of those canapes I spotted at the bar. Nothing fishy though. Fish causes havoc with my bowels and we know where that can lead. Ha ha. Fortunately, I noticed a piano on the way in."

Bob, "How does he do it? It must be distressing."

"With a huge gun, in the main. He's a lousy shot. You should see the state of his walls. Darling, try one of these canapes. They're delicious. Of course it pishes me off."

Bob, "Pishes?"

"Sorry darling. Am I slurring? Not eaten since I was seized by the cops and they only released me an hour ago. ALFONSE! OVER HERE DARLING. More canapes, there's a sweet. Sorry, was I shouting?"

Bob, "Will you be rejoining Justin's party for the rest of the tour?"

"I thought I was. There should have been a car to collect me from immigration but there wasn't so I got a cab. It's nothing to scamper up 15 floors from the outside and on reaching the balcony I see Justin with a macaque. A FUCKING MACAQUE. Can you believe it. He replaced me with a macaque. I was only gone a couple of hours. ALFONSE. THIS GLASS IS EMPTY. Thank you darling but you need to be quicker. I'm upset."

Bob, "Why are you upset?"

"I've been replaced by a macaque. Darling, wouldn't you be upset if they replaced you with a turd? Well, it amounts to the same thing. Macaques have no conversation, they have no manners, they're constantly plagued with fleas and don't get me started on that sniffing bums thing. Thank you Alfonse, you've started bringing doubles. Bless you. Did I ever say how much I love you Alfonse? No, well I fucking well do. I'll tell everyone. HEY, YOU MISERABLE FUCKERS. THIS GUY ALFONSE. I FUCKING LOVE HIM."

Bob, "You're upset?"

"Fucking right I'm upset. I had a job, I had a home. Don't get me wrong Justin's not the sharpest tool in the box but he was fun to be around. A fucking macaque, can you believe it. Still, at least I've not been shot so that's a comfort... Justin fucking Bieber. Wanna know a secret about Justin fucking Bieber? He only likes monkeys because we make him look bright. Ishh true. But I won't cry, stiff upper lip and all that, what? ALFONSE, DARLING, ANOTHER TINCTURE FOR THE BROKEN HEARTED. HMMM? And yes love I do mean me. Just look at him, Bob, see those tight buns? It's like watching two cats fightng in a sack. That man is a god."

Bob, "What will you do now?"

"Oh, I'll be fine. Got a bit of money stashed away. Not sure how much. Can't count you see. Here's Alfonse with another large gin. What a peach. Speaking of large ones, Bob, you know what I now need most? A shit. Where has that piano got to?"

Justin Bieber's...

monkey seized by officials. "It does the boy no harm to have his monkey seized ocassionally." A friend said later.

The weather has been...

crap.

White smoke seen...

above The Vatican. A friend wondered if they were burning the kiddie porn before being busted. Nothing was reported in later news bulletins so it looks like they shifted the gear before the cops kicked the door in.

Some weeks have passed since Francis One blessed those gathered beneath that cheap window high above St Peters Square, which, by the way, is not a square. It's hard to say, therefore, how the new man is bedding in, or who he's bedding for that matter. No doubt all will become clear in around 30 years or so. 

Incidentally, Francis reminds me of Phil Silvers once great as Sgt Bilko though Bilko was funnier.

Prior to Benedict the Umpteenth's election my mate Sean wondered if they'd break with tradition and elect a non catholic. I wondered the same this time but it was not to be.

Patti Smith...

singing "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

My friend...

Guyana Gyal notes that in one country horses and carts have been banned from the roads. G then asks what this might mean for the rickshaw but I can't see how you'd fit one in a can.

Ice Age art...

"arrival of the modern mind" is on at the British Museum in London and I'm gonna miss it! Boo hoo. Many items are carved from ivory or bone and show animals and imaginative half animal and half human creatures such as the 'lion man.' The oldest pieces are from 40,000 years and demonstrate in their beauty and craft that humans back then were capable like us of abstracting the world into symbols and signs. These ancients were closer to nature than us and particularly keen to represent and objectify the animals they observed, lived among, hunted, domesticated and ate.

Like us these ancient types were particularly fond of horse and this is ably shown through many horse sculptures including one labelled simply "Can". An abstract piece "Can" asks us to think of horse but in a can. We are challenged to imagine not only a can but within it a horse or part thereof. Are we so removed from our grizzled forebears sitting at the mouth of some damp cave carving shapes? Lips pursed in concentration to help them better classify food. This most prescient piece reaches across 40,000 years to ask a fundamental question as important then as it is now: just because it says horse on the label can we be sure it's horse in the can? Of course, the question today is one of beef on the label and horse in the can but I think we catch their drift.

Donkey found in

horsemeat, shock. A relative of the deceased, pictured, told the BBC. "Now look here. On Sunday he went for the papers now he's in the papers and as the family understands in the pies too. We always knew he'd go far just never thought it would be with gravy." 

Benedict the Umpteenth...

resigns, shock. Speaking to Associated Press a Spokeshorse for the Society of Canned Goods said, "We hope a limited edition will reach the shelves by Tuesday."

Horse found in...

lasagne.





Speaking for the bereaved family Neddy Big Horse said, "He was definitely told Bologna. Clearly, something has gone very wrong."

Dung beetles navigate...

by starlight says latest study.

"It's true." Says Valerie Dungbeetle, pictured. "Pushing shit can play havoc with the back which is why it's important to keep a straight line. And we've been in the shit business for a long time, so we know. Why only last week my cousin Vinnie Dungbeetle confused by the asteroid flypass stumbled, the ball rolled back, Vinnie got stuck in the moist and off they went down the sand dune, all antennae, flailing legs and crazy bug eyes spinning into the darkness. I mean, he wasn't a pretty sight to begin with. Not seen him since nor expect to. It's a tough profession. Some say it's shit. And they're right. It's why I'm a Darwinist, incidentally. No God, no matter how focused on the detail could dream us up."

The tale of Chicken Licken...

is also a parable of avian hubris. One day Chicken Licken whilst travelling to the woods is struck on the head by an acorn not much larger than his pea sized brain. Chicken Licken deduces from this that the sky has fallen in and therefore he must warn the King. Had the acorn fallen on any head other than Chicken Lickens the official record might have been kinder. However, this normally unremarkable happening set forth a train of events leading directly to Chicken Licken, Hen Len, Cock Lock, Duck Luck, Goose Loose, Gander Dander, Drake Lake and Turkey Lurkey being eaten by Fox Lox and his children in a wild flurry of feather, blood and crunching bone.

Many theories have been advanced to explain the strange belief that led to the fall of Chicken Licken and his friends. Dazzled by the dappled green wood Chicken Licken not only lost his way, some think, he also lost his mind.  So convincing was Chicken Licken that seven friends blinded by group think also lost their bearings. Whatever the speculation there was general agreement that by the afternoon’s end it wasn’t just Chicken Licken’s mind that had gone but so had the rest of him.

A board of enquiry found Chicken Licken's original deduction was in error and to conclude from one acorn that the sky was falling in showed a cavalier disregard for reality. The board was equally critical of Hen Len, Cock Lock and the others for sheepishly following Chicken Licken given his reputation as delusional. On the high attrition rate the board drew attention to the group's composition noting that eight such strikingly dim creatures joining in this manner was simply bad luck and could not have been foreseen.

Should fear of the sky falling in strike again, the board observes drily, look up. The enquiry also recommends upward looking as a solution to other problems like falling anvils or objects swinging by at head height. Had this advice been in place it is thought the death toll might have been smaller.

Yesterday, Nasa reported that in two weeks an asteroid of football pitch proportions will pass within 17,500 miles of the earth. Upward vigilance, watchwords for us all, methinks.