because 9 times out of ten it will be a computer trying to sell me something. And they are persistant. Some sound like Hal from 2001, "High Dan, no I'm not saying your kitchen is shit but just look around. Don't hang me up Dan, Dan..." On the average night I'll receive 8 maybe 9 of these calls. I know it's them because they never list their number, so if I check the gadget that records who's just phoned the voice always says, oddly in a Cornish/US accent, "The caller witheld their number." Lots or RRRR's and Brrrr's in that phrase. I love that voice, I'd buy cattle from that voice, it's a rural voice, got integrity. Thank fuck they don't use that voice to sell me stuff. "The caller has withheld their number Dan, but oi 'ave this fine Heifer, fit perfectly into that kitchen of yours, what with the mess and all."
Ocassionally there'll be a live human and they always sound suprised as if not expecting anyone to actually answer their call, "Err, oh, yeah, umm, hullo, yeah sorry, high. Jeeze man you really made me jump..." So I say, "You phoned me." and then follows a scripted reply spoken over the sound of pages being turned. "Is that Dan?" "Yes" "That kitchen's really fucked man!"
And it's all so ubiquitous (c'mon look it up, look it up!). I swear the other week friends were round for dinner and I answer the phone. A very noisy line, and I'm waiting for the pitch, I'm impatient, so I say "HELLO!" From down the phone a glass goes over, something's spilled, there's music, conversation, laughter and a script being rustled, "Hello," I say and can hear the voice on the other end say, "Bugger wrong script, I think the other's in me bag, hang on a mo..." So I say, "Hello, you rang me remember." And the voice says "Keep you're fucking hair on, some of us are trying to work here. Where's that bag" Then from the table my mate Joe says "Dan, where's me bag?" And he's holding his mobile fucking phone. So I say down the phone "It's by the front door." And he says. "Thanks mate." And I say to his disappearing back "There's fuck all wrong with this kitchen." He hangs up, returns to the dinner and says "Bugger, another sale lost. Still, he sounded like a right wanker."
See what I mean?
14 comments:
hahahhahaa... I think I can stop reading Calvin and Hobbes now...
You know, that Calvin and Hobbes? I never found it funny. Isn't that odd!
Don't they have a DO NOT CALL registry over there.
Yer jest too hilarious and thanks fer making me laff.
Please tell you made it all up, it is too funny to be true.
Why don't you like Calvin and Hobbes?
Anoop, you must find the post about the eclair thief.
Man, they do have that service here but it doesn't work on international calls and there's loads of these firm using computer programmes to phone from the Phillipines and India etc.
Gyal,
Not sure about the C&H, think I never gave it the time possibly. And the story is absolutely true! I never tell lies on this blog, only the truth is garnished here.
Well I guess I am in the select odd list too. I never liked Calvin and Hobbes myself .... never found it naturally funny.
like the Italians say: Si non é vero é benne trovato.
That is, if it is not true it still makes sense.
Dan, can you show me the link to the post that GG has mentioned.
Thanks. :)
Anoop,
Gyal is referring to some stuff I posted in November.
cough cough cough just passing through spreading my germs, taking a day off from work...cough cough...nasty me. I like Calvin's imagination, even if I don't laugh.
Gyal,
Here's the recipe for a tinture that will clear the cold out sharp.
Take a slug of cheap whisky/burbon in a tall glass, throw in three cloves, squeeze in half a lemon and two generous tablespoons of honey, fill to top with boiling water (leave spoon in as heat sink so you don't crack glass). Stir until honey disolved. If not sweet enough add more honey. Drink three of these before bed and if your cold hasn't gone you'll be too drunk to care.
Honest though, it's a variation on the Scottish Hot Toddie which is just hot water and whisky.
Finally, get well soon.
xxxx
ooh, good recipe, we can pretend it is science because it is logical: lemon juice for vitamin C, raw honey kills bacteria, and the booze helps you sleep with a smile.
I think I'm going to go stand in the rain and see if I can catch one too.
Calls here come in by computer (despite the fact that I am on the do-not-call list) so when you pick up the phone there is no one there, only silence. And more silence. And then a HAL voice that asks me to hold for the next available salesperson. (? do people actually do this?)
Same thing happens here. For a period I recieved at least approximately 20-30 such calls each day. Yes, it finally got the point where we rarely answer our phone. Real people call my cell anyway.
At first I was amused by such calls and would answer the phone, allow them to give their little speech, then say something like.....eh, me speak ah No-Engles' so then they would have, the spanish speaking rep call, where by of course; id answer the phone in my crisp sweet southern drawl, pretending not to know Espaniol. A few hours later someone would call back, asking to speak to the lady of the house (from the same telemarketing firm) and I would use my flaming homosexual voice and say, 'um sorry but don't no lady's live here , just me and me boyfriend Bob, who has Tourettes syndrome and may accidently curse into the phone from time to time. You see Bob utterly hates telemarketers more than he hates women, so I might suggest that when you call next time, be prepared to get cussed the hell out.
That was fun for about a week, no calls for one whole week. Now its started again. They win. Now me, my imaginary gay lover, my Latino alter ego, nor my Southern Belle answer the phone.
That Do NOT Call List...is crap
Post a Comment