Similar to other cities...

at this time of year Manchester does not look its best. Winter's attrition has been severe. Beneath every privet hedge, down every alley, under every bus shelter old fag ends, faded news sheet and absolutely hundreds of those green fizzy drink bottles lurk. I was made particularly aware of this today when I kicked one of said bottles that was just there, in front of me, the way they are. To my surprise a muffled "Hey, yer fuggin bassard, watch yer feet!" rose up from the pavement and thinking I'd stepped on a homeless person I jumped back. The voice continued to mutter . "Yerrrr, fuggin bigfoot. Step on me. I'll fuggin show yer... yer, er, er... bollocks. Hrr hrrr, arse!" My eyes were drawn to the bottle and bending down I could see within it a green imp.

"Fuck me," I said, "It's a green imp."

Peering up from his plastic home he replied, "I wouldn't fuck you even if they threw in a bonus winch to make it easy. And I'm not an imp duh, I'm a genie. Dontcha know anything about genies? Genies, bottles, bottles, genies, gedditt? Ever heard of an imp in a bottle? Huh! Huh! Only genies in bottles," Hands on hips he paused then said, "What the fuck's an imp?"

"A type of tiny magical being." I replied.

He was tapping his foot impatiently, "And do they come in bottles these imps?"

"I've never heard of one in a bottle. But then again I thought you lot traveled in lamps,"

"Only yer lamp genie son, only yer lamp genie. I'm a bottle genie, it's obvious to most people." This restless creature with frizzy hair and dilated pupils had a wild maniacal look about him. He took to pacing a few steps one way then the other, stopping every now and then to look at me.

"You seem agitated," I said.

"It's the sugar. Lots of it, in the drinks. Man I'm fucking wired I can tell you." He flexed his shoulders and began one of those little dances boxers do before a fight, punching the air, dodging and weaving. "Yeah, wired. COME ON! COME ON! Hurr hurr." From nowhere he produced a kitchen chair and sat down.

"Is there many of your sort in bottles of pop?" I was curious and at the same time drawn to this odd little phenomenon.

Crossing his legs he lit a cigar that appeared as if out of the green. "One in every hundred thousand bottles. That's the ratio. Specialist posting you see. Only for those who can handle THE FUCKING SUGAR! Oh yes. And look, still got me own teeth." He grinned and indeed his mouth seemed full of, well, teeth though it was hard to assess their condition through billowing tobacco smoke. He started to cough and choke.

I became worried, "You okay?"

I could barely make out his spluttering shape in the thickening cloud. A faint and cracked voice reached out to my ears. "Help, help. Not enough, cough... cough... air."

My anxious face pressed closer to the bottle "Bloody hell!" I said "What do you want me to do?"

"The lid," He gasped, "Undo the lid, let... in... air."

So I said "Open the lid? Do I look like an idiot?"

As suddenly as it came the smoke disappeared and there he stood boldly, arms crossed and pouting. "Always worth a try."

I was late for my next appointment so had to rush away. "Right," I said, "Got to go." And then remembering I asked. "How come you're trapped in that empty bottle, why didn't you escape when it was opened?"

Grumpily he replied. "Ugly fat gobbing teenager with spots and saliva and greasy skin and... fucker opened the bottle downed it in one and I was just making my break when he burped and to be honest the gases drove me back. Fuck, I was heaving for ages afterward. The bottle stank, took three aerosols to shift the smell. And then he goes and screws back the top! Screws it back! A fucking arsey stomach churning gobshiteing teenager, would you believe it? Screwed the fucking cap back on." He began marching again and stamping his feet, "Little bastard, I'll fucking kill him. Fucking kill anyone. DO YOU HEAR?"

It was definitely time to leave so I said. "Got to go. In a hurry you see. Appointments and stuff."

"You fucking turd!" He shouted, "Don't think you'll get away that easy do you?"

And I swear he started to run within the bottle and the bottle started to roll and I started to run, and run, and run. Then like they always do it suddenly swung left and flew under the hedge from where I heard him exclaim "Bollocks. Just my luck."