have been receiving a poor press in the UK this past week. Grey squirrels originally from the US have almost driven out the native red squirrel though I'm not sure how. One news bulletin said the greys were aggressive, smoked short stubby cigars and referred to everyone as Bud. Red squirrels on the other hand organise village fetes and drink weak tea. I've been unable to ascertain how the grey squirrel first arrived on these shores but I presume it was with a visa, or shipwrecked and clinging to a spar. Squirrels are expert clingers, maybe the first one arrived clinging to someone's hat. Victorian Customs and Excise were not as versed as we are today on American hat couture so it would be an easy thing to miss. Hat clinging as a means by which animals might avoid detection of course ended when it became policy in this country to x-ray everyone's head. Concern visited one hat owner when a feature she thought an example of avant garde styling was shown to be a moose.
Red squirrels strike me as a pretty feeble bunch and with names such as Tarquin and Algy it's easy to see why. I can imagine them simpering on some beach when the first grey washed up.
"I agree Tarquin, a fine spar indeed but what pray might be clinging to it"?
Tarquin waves his nosegay in merriment, "I do declare it is a squirrel, a huge grey squirrel. Ha ha ha".
Both Tarquin and Algy titter for some time each hoping the other would make a useful suggestion. The grey squirrel meanwhile opens a weather eye and pulls from his rusted thermidor a stubby cigar.
"Got a light Bud.".
In response Algy laughs, "Ha ha, ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha". And fingers his ruff.
"Are you a... squirrel"? Asks Tarquin who offers the grey his flint and cotton.
"That I am. New Jersey born and bred."
"And in this New Jersey are all squirrels large and grey?"
"They are."
Algy flourishing a handkerchief wipes his little red brow before asking, "But, ah... you're the only one here... in the country... yes? "
"For the moment."
"For the moment?"
"I got a brudder coming in on the nine o'clock hat."
Tarquin and Algy both say,"Oh".
Red squirrels, they had it coming the wimps. Tomorrow I'll say a little about badgers.
9 comments:
They all smoke cigars huh? No wonder they are fleeing from the US... you can't smoke anywhere anymore these days. Strangely this anti-smoke policy doesn't seem to keep them from selling cigarettes to the rest of the world.
Dan, I fear that the koala bear who made off with your ear has embittered you and turned you against all animals.
As a former member of the Tufty Club, I can tell you that red squirrels are dear, gentle doe-eyed creatures, who wouldn't hurt a fly.
(Unlike those vicious grey vermin who nip over the fence from Victoria Park and dig up our bulbs. They should be escorted from the country forthwith.)
D,
Welcome back. Smoking in animals is a terrible plague, I know, but what can a person do? I've tried shouting at them in the park to stop, but they laugh. I even took a gun along on one memorable ocassion but a smart one with a mobile phone called the police so I had to flee.
Annie,
There's a red squirrel sanctuary near Southport so I've seen them there. They look a bit whispy to me, those red squirrels, a bit insubstantial. I think a couple of months doing weights might bulk them up a bit. Did you hear that House of Lords debate about grey squirrels? One old dear suggested eating them, she advised that the meat tasted like chicken. Mind you she also sounded fairly ga ga herself so probably everything to her tastes like chicken. I suppose it is a problem identifying your dinner after it's been mashed with a spoon.
As for those buggers digging up your bulbs. Get a gun, or savage dog. That should do the trick.
ah the red squirrels here are wirey, tough, savage devils. they huddle in attics and plot the down fall of ceilings and the collapse of entire structures. Civilization itself can't be far behind.
these sneaky reds are all alike. always blaming someone else.
Hayden,
You almost sound like me! I have this idea the animal world is conspiring against us. Hey, I've seen all the Planet of the Apes films, twice.
it's all relative. the squirrels in India are tiny stripey chipmunk-y things and if they came here on a hat even the red squirrels would nick their dinner money. Fortunately for them, Indian ladies don't wear hats much, and stowing away on a turban is only for the most skilled (and foolhardy, as many Sikhs are non-vegetarian and all carry big knives). Their Sri Lankan brethren of course all join the Tamil Squirrels and pack serious heat, causing the occasional immigration contretemps. ("Is that a Milan anti-tank missile in your turban or are you just pleased to see me?")
many years ago we picked my rural gran up at her home and brought her to town with us for the weekend. While gone, the red squirrels, which had infiltrated her attic, EMPTIED the bushel of Black Walnuts she'd collected from the tree right out front and stored them in the ceiling. Could they scavenge their own? NOOOOOOO.
Did the ceiling survive? NOOOOOOOO. By the time we brought her home the ceiling had collapsed and the dark stain of black walnut juice was everywhere.
and you thought I was being paranoid!
Rob,
You've opened my eyes. A Provisional Squirrel Movement in South East Asia, I am impressed. Mind you I don't particularly like the idea of squirrels with anti-tank weaponry. I've got a park to drive by everyday. Not sure I'd like the adjacent road to look like Beirut. No sirree. Nor do I enjoy the thought of Improvised explosive device technology falling into the paws of these squirrels. Call me conventional, buy hey, that's just the way I am.
Hayden,
If such a thing happened to my house I'd be shouting, "Bubba, go and git the gun!" Little bastards. I'd have hunted down everyone of em. I've seen John Wayne in The Searchers, I know what grief can do to a man.
i just cuaght a baby grey squirrel and dont know if it has the bubonic pleage can some one email me at CFRCryan@aol.com pleez ty.
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