Saturday, March 11, 2006

We've got a new...

automatic front door at work. Not one of those that discreetly shush aside like on the Starship Enterprise, oh no. This is a single door that opens outwards and with some venom since local children discovered the tension control and turned it to max. They then ran a book on how far over the houses opposite small animals might tossed after being thrown into the infra red beam. I won £20 for guessing the 250 metres flown by an indeterminate rodent belonging to a little girl with pony tails known as Sherry because of what she was drinking. Apparently some fat kid with an expertise in geometry ran the whole show. Later the police were called when they began throwing each other in but only because it's illegal in the UK to bet on yourself. Bloody kids, don't know the meaning of the word restraint.

11 comments:

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

"Restraint" - where you put your raint when it needs a bit of time off.

So what are you going to spend the twenty quid on?

Dan Flynn said...

Z,

"What are you going to spend the twenty quid on?" Going to? It's already spent, on drink, oh yes. I shot straight into the off license across the road dodging the domestic fauna that was incoming so fast it began to resemble Normandy in 1944. Children and gambling, it'a a heady mix. Of course the door is now hanging off it's hinges however a band of ruddy faced infants who were counting huge wads of cash passed me later and they seemed very happy, which is the main thing I suppose.

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

Drink, always a good choice. Ah, how sweet is the thought of the happy little kiddies with their cute smiling faces!

Anonymous said...

We've got automatic door at my work as well but you have to put your pass in the little slot and I never carry mine with me, much less have it hanging round my neck like your supposed to (cos I'm an office rebel, the James Dean of account management), and I don't want to risk the wrath of the scary receptionists by pressing the little buzzer for them to let me in- so I always end up going round to the side door where there is a kind of tradesman's/ cycle entrance which also has an automatic door, but I know the pass code, and I sneak in there then through some labyynthine corridors and past the scary receptionists, feeling a slight frisson of excitement at having 'beaten the system' yet again. I know- it's pathetic really but it keeps me happy..

Dan Flynn said...

Z,

I was relieved that as they were passing the kids were more interested in counting their cash than noticing me. Apparently later that morning and further up the street an ambulance found two young offenders in a confused state sans shirts who claimed that all they could remember before it went dark was children singing "Oranges and lemons...". When they awoke the BMW they'd nicked was also gone!

Jonathan,

Be careful of those labrynthine passages. Many a wary soul has been lost in passages known only to admin staff. I once took a wrong turning in a previous office and became lost. The bowels of the building were so hideous even the rats were directing people back to the light. I get a shiver just thinking about it.

DCveR said...

I wonder, can that be adapted in order to slam door to door evangelists right in the face?

Dan Flynn said...

or squeeze them like in a garlic press...

Hayden said...

no no no. not a garlic press. that will make a mess of them and they'll be squooshing through the tiny holes and it's just not good. Terrible fuss to get the press clean again.

how abt electrified cattle pens? Maybe we could have some where the walls squeeze together very slowly and firmly.

Dan Flynn said...

Hayden,

That's very violent of you! However, electricfied cattle pens, hmmm.

You're right about pressing them to death in doors, v v messy, be like a meat mincer. I think what we over here call minced meat you call ground beef. The principle is the same, put it through a screw and then force out via small holes. I quite like the idea al la Sweeney Todd of making them into pies and possibly having a stall at the Sunday Church Fete. Might that be described as a virtuous circle I wonder?

neena maiya (guyana gyal) said...

I want a door like that at my home. hehehe

Oh, it's not to be used on people. Only bandits. They're not people, right? Though the human rights folks do tend to think they are...hmmm...yes, I want a door like that at my home.

Dan Flynn said...

Clare,

This blog is not for the fainthearted and certainly not for those who are yet to be breakfasted. A strong stomach leads to a strong mind!

G,

You can buy those doors on the internet, they're at Crush'OThief.com. And come with a handy removable tray that collects the blood. A snip at $200 fitted.