Justin Bieber's...

monkey seized by officials. 

As he was led away the monkey shouted to onlookers, "I'm Spartacus!" A spokesperson for the tour said later, "We've no idea who this Spartacus is. Mr Bieber has never employed anyone called Spartacus and wants to distance himself from the monkey's claim otherwise." 

Of the genus Papio the monkey was later interviewed by Bob Smallbean for the BBC a transcript of which is below.

Bob, "Welcome. What shall we call you?"

"Call me anything you like, darling. You're paying for this."

Bob, "Yes, but you must have a name."

"Is it okay if I smoke? Another gin would be nice too. D'you mind? Where is that waiter. Alfonse! Over here darling. Another pink gin, yes darling, and easy on the pink this time. You're too sweet."

Bob, "Your name?"

"Now that's a difficult one. Us monkeys aren't given to naming each other. Not that far advanced you see."

Bob, "Justin must have called you something."

"He generally called me a little shit. Ah, here's the gin. Lovely, lovely. Sure you won't join me? No? Well, please yourself. Alfonse, before you go give me a light, will you? Thank you darling. Oh, and keep the drinks coming there's a love. The BBC's paying so there's no need to scrimp."

Bob, "Justin called you a little shit?"

"Only on account of the shitting darling. Can't be potty trained you see. Not that far advanced. Monkeys don't stand on ceremony when it comes to shit we just do it. Ha ha. I remember shitting in his Steinway once. Got my todger caught in the strings too. Did I mention my todger? Lovely thing, feels fabulous. Do you want a look? No? Well you're no fun."

Bob,"How long have you been with Justin?"

"I've no idea. No concept of time you see. Not that far advanced. Where's Alfonse? Here he is. Well done darling. You just keep lining them up. Now, where were we?"

Bob, "Was he a good owner? Did he take care of you?"

"In what sense take care, darling?"

Bob, "Were you fed regularly, did you have somewhere to sleep? That sort of thing."

"Oh, that taking care of. I though you meant like by the mafia. Being bumped off."

Bob, "Why would you think I meant being killed?"

"He bumped off a few before me I can tell you. Monkey one and monkey err. What comes after one darling?"

"Two."

"Yes and straight into the bin they went. Monkeys one and two. With every image change comes a new monkey. Sometimes it's hard to tell what day it is. We're not very far advanced you see. Did I mention that? Here's Alfonse. Be a dear darling and fetch me some of those canapes I spotted at the bar. Nothing fishy though. Fish causes havoc with my bowels and we know where that can lead. Ha ha. Fortunately, I noticed a piano on the way in."

Bob, "How does he do it? It must be distressing."

"With a huge gun, in the main. He's a lousy shot. You should see the state of his walls. Darling, try one of these canapes. They're delicious. Of course it pishes me off."

Bob, "Pishes?"

"Sorry darling. Am I slurring? Not eaten since I was seized by the cops and they only released me an hour ago. ALFONSE! OVER HERE DARLING. More canapes, there's a sweet. Sorry, was I shouting?"

Bob, "Will you be rejoining Justin's party for the rest of the tour?"

"I thought I was. There should have been a car to collect me from immigration but there wasn't so I got a cab. It's nothing to scamper up 15 floors from the outside and on reaching the balcony I see Justin with a macaque. A FUCKING MACAQUE. Can you believe it. He replaced me with a macaque. I was only gone a couple of hours. ALFONSE. THIS GLASS IS EMPTY. Thank you darling but you need to be quicker. I'm upset."

Bob, "Why are you upset?"

"I've been replaced by a macaque. Darling, wouldn't you be upset if they replaced you with a turd? Well, it amounts to the same thing. Macaques have no conversation, they have no manners, they're constantly plagued with fleas and don't get me started on that sniffing bums thing. Thank you Alfonse, you've started bringing doubles. Bless you. Did I ever say how much I love you Alfonse? No, well I fucking well do. I'll tell everyone. HEY, YOU MISERABLE FUCKERS. THIS GUY ALFONSE. I FUCKING LOVE HIM."

Bob, "You're upset?"

"Fucking right I'm upset. I had a job, I had a home. Don't get me wrong Justin's not the sharpest tool in the box but he was fun to be around. A fucking macaque, can you believe it. Still, at least I've not been shot so that's a comfort... Justin fucking Bieber. Wanna know a secret about Justin fucking Bieber? He only likes monkeys because we make him look bright. Ishh true. But I won't cry, stiff upper lip and all that, what? ALFONSE, DARLING, ANOTHER TINCTURE FOR THE BROKEN HEARTED. HMMM? And yes love I do mean me. Just look at him, Bob, see those tight buns? It's like watching two cats fightng in a sack. That man is a god."

Bob, "What will you do now?"

"Oh, I'll be fine. Got a bit of money stashed away. Not sure how much. Can't count you see. Here's Alfonse with another large gin. What a peach. Speaking of large ones, Bob, you know what I now need most? A shit. Where has that piano got to?"

Justin Bieber's...

monkey seized by officials. "It does the boy no harm to have his monkey seized ocassionally." A friend said later.

The weather has been...

crap.

White smoke seen...

above The Vatican. A friend wondered if they were burning the kiddie porn before being busted. Nothing was reported in later news bulletins so it looks like they shifted the gear before the cops kicked the door in.

Some weeks have passed since Francis One blessed those gathered beneath that cheap window high above St Peters Square, which, by the way, is not a square. It's hard to say, therefore, how the new man is bedding in, or who he's bedding for that matter. No doubt all will become clear in around 30 years or so. 

Incidentally, Francis reminds me of Phil Silvers once great as Sgt Bilko though Bilko was funnier.

Prior to Benedict the Umpteenth's election my mate Sean wondered if they'd break with tradition and elect a non catholic. I wondered the same this time but it was not to be.

Patti Smith...

singing "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

My friend...

Guyana Gyal notes that in one country horses and carts have been banned from the roads. G then asks what this might mean for the rickshaw but I can't see how you'd fit one in a can.

Ice Age art...

"arrival of the modern mind" is on at the British Museum in London and I'm gonna miss it! Boo hoo. Many items are carved from ivory or bone and show animals and imaginative half animal and half human creatures such as the 'lion man.' The oldest pieces are from 40,000 years and demonstrate in their beauty and craft that humans back then were capable like us of abstracting the world into symbols and signs. These ancients were closer to nature than us and particularly keen to represent and objectify the animals they observed, lived among, hunted, domesticated and ate.

Like us these ancient types were particularly fond of horse and this is ably shown through many horse sculptures including one labelled simply "Can". An abstract piece "Can" asks us to think of horse but in a can. We are challenged to imagine not only a can but within it a horse or part thereof. Are we so removed from our grizzled forebears sitting at the mouth of some damp cave carving shapes? Lips pursed in concentration to help them better classify food. This most prescient piece reaches across 40,000 years to ask a fundamental question as important then as it is now: just because it says horse on the label can we be sure it's horse in the can? Of course, the question today is one of beef on the label and horse in the can but I think we catch their drift.

Donkey found in

horsemeat, shock. A relative of the deceased, pictured, told the BBC. "Now look here. On Sunday he went for the papers now he's in the papers and as the family understands in the pies too. We always knew he'd go far just never thought it would be with gravy." 

Benedict the Umpteenth...

resigns, shock. Speaking to Associated Press a Spokeshorse for the Society of Canned Goods said, "We hope a limited edition will reach the shelves by Tuesday."

Horse found in...

lasagne.





Speaking for the bereaved family Neddy Big Horse said, "He was definitely told Bologna. Clearly, something has gone very wrong."

Dung beetles navigate...

by starlight says latest study.

"It's true." Says Valerie Dungbeetle, pictured. "Pushing shit can play havoc with the back which is why it's important to keep a straight line. And we've been in the shit business for a long time, so we know. Why only last week my cousin Vinnie Dungbeetle confused by the asteroid flypass stumbled, the ball rolled back, Vinnie got stuck in the moist and off they went down the sand dune, all antennae, flailing legs and crazy bug eyes spinning into the darkness. I mean, he wasn't a pretty sight to begin with. Not seen him since nor expect to. It's a tough profession. Some say it's shit. And they're right. It's why I'm a Darwinist, incidentally. No God, no matter how focused on the detail could dream us up."

The tale of Chicken Licken...

is also a parable of avian hubris. One day Chicken Licken whilst travelling to the woods is struck on the head by an acorn not much larger than his pea sized brain. Chicken Licken deduces from this that the sky has fallen in and therefore he must warn the King. Had the acorn fallen on any head other than Chicken Lickens the official record might have been kinder. However, this normally unremarkable happening set forth a train of events leading directly to Chicken Licken, Hen Len, Cock Lock, Duck Luck, Goose Loose, Gander Dander, Drake Lake and Turkey Lurkey being eaten by Fox Lox and his children in a wild flurry of feather, blood and crunching bone.

Many theories have been advanced to explain the strange belief that led to the fall of Chicken Licken and his friends. Dazzled by the dappled green wood Chicken Licken not only lost his way, some think, he also lost his mind.  So convincing was Chicken Licken that seven friends blinded by group think also lost their bearings. Whatever the speculation there was general agreement that by the afternoon’s end it wasn’t just Chicken Licken’s mind that had gone but so had the rest of him.

A board of enquiry found Chicken Licken's original deduction was in error and to conclude from one acorn that the sky was falling in showed a cavalier disregard for reality. The board was equally critical of Hen Len, Cock Lock and the others for sheepishly following Chicken Licken given his reputation as delusional. On the high attrition rate the board drew attention to the group's composition noting that eight such strikingly dim creatures joining in this manner was simply bad luck and could not have been foreseen.

Should fear of the sky falling in strike again, the board observes drily, look up. The enquiry also recommends upward looking as a solution to other problems like falling anvils or objects swinging by at head height. Had this advice been in place it is thought the death toll might have been smaller.

Yesterday, Nasa reported that in two weeks an asteroid of football pitch proportions will pass within 17,500 miles of the earth. Upward vigilance, watchwords for us all, methinks.    



 

Today's

Observer newspaper observes the human body would fit "into a cube less than 1/500th of a centimetre on each side" if all the space between the atoms was compressed out. What remained would be incredibly dense in a fashion similar to neutron stars. I too would become incredibly dense and very minute should all my space suddenly decide to vacate. Now, there's a sobering thought to mull with the morning's toast. The article fails to explore what the cubed me might think if this occurrence came to pass. Not a lot, I suspect. However, should my contracting consciousness manage a final utterance it will contain the phrase "Fuck me!"

The theme of human shrinkage is explored somewhat in The Fly from 1958 where the protagonist comes to a very sticky end by having his brains bashed in with a huge boulder. Well, it was either that or be eaten alive by a big spider. As a life outcome not much can comfort the getting tinier especially if bashed in brains or becoming spider food are the alternatives. I am drawn, therefore, to the unarguable conclusion that losing all ones space is best avoided and at all costs too.

Horse's head found...

in burger. The astonished horse, pictured, told the BBC "It came as much a shock to me as the kid whose bun I fell out of. Broke both his arms poor little bleeder. I think he was expecting the healthy option."

Bits of John Bosco...

are currently touring the UK sealed in a glass coffin and attached to a life-size wax figurine. With no hint of irony the Catholic Herald claims this event fulfils the saint's wish to visit Britain. That JB is dead and beyond fulfilment appears an issue they've magnificently avoided. I think it's fair to observe that some 150 years ago when the blessed JB expressed a hope of reaching these shores he assumed it would be in one piece. I'm confident a saintly eye brow might have been more than raised had the suggestion been put to him that, yes, he would come here but not quite in the fashion expected. And how might one have explained to the venerable John that this same sainted eyebrow, lifted here in puzzlement, would indeed visit the UK but not with the rest of him. The eyebrow of course is pure speculation because it's not clear from the publicity which part, or parts, of John are here. It is unclear how much of John actually remains. I've seen a hand mentioned but is it left or right? Does it matter? It no longer matters to John that's for sure and here dear reader, lies the rub. As John's reputation for saintliness has grown then so his remains have shrunk. Those legs that once carried this hardy Christian soul are now lost in the mists of time along with his trunk, shoulders, head, both arms and the other hand. Who needs such trivia when you've a bedrock of four casters supporting a good trolley? Not the Catholic Church and certainly not their long departed priest. As the hallowed remnants of our desiccated deacon are dragged up and down these martyred byways can we really declare the opportunity for digital mischief will not multiply? After all, even a relic needs a rest from the razzmatazz. Getting that hand through customs on the way out might yet turn into a nightmare.

Asteroid Apophis...

will miss earth by the considerable margin of 36,000 kilometres in 2036. And here was me worrying.

Yesterday a large doe eyed spider...

not dissimilar to our friend on the right became trapped in my bath. Well, it seemed doe eyed to me and most probably because I too was doe-eyed from the previous night's excess of beer. The spider tried repeatedly to climb the bath's steep and pristine sides but being unable to find a purchase it slipped back. Over the edge I draped a line of loo roll to act as a ramp. My arachnid friend was gone this morning. It left no note.

IBM supercomputer...

cannot speak slang, shock. Watson, named after Sherlock's sidekick presumably, is good at quizzes but not good at expletives. Good at answering questions on general knowledge not good at telling people to bugger off. The fluidity of language and meaning is beyond our chippy friend. Ask it to name the third highest Himalayan peak and quick as a flash it replies Kanchenjunga. Ask who won the 1958 US Masters and before you've time to inhale it shouts Arnold Palmer. Indeed, if asked to name the father of quantum mechanics, Watson, and no doubt with a sigh due to the question's insignificance will whisper, Max Planck. But ask Watson which of its human colleagues is the biggest tosser and no answer will come. Whilst idly polishing Watson's magnificent chrome should one mention that at last night's post programming party Billy from accounts made a right arse of himself the poor machine will not nod in sage agreement. Nor will Watson acknowledge that Billy's friend Moira, also half cut on cheap white wine, was right when she called him a prick for accidentally tipping into her bag a bowl of pistachio shells. For Watson there remains much that is puzzling about language and the way meanings are made. So, the clever old thing might know the answer to almost everything but at parties? Completely out of it's depth. Mind you, that's what comes when ones life is spent bolted to a floor.

Day 6...

of 2013 and I've spent most of it prone in the company of an unwelcome cough. Only ASDA's astonishingly cheaper version of lem-sips have kept my boiler alight, so to speak. A hacking cough precedes me to such an extent I've become known as Chesty Dan on Saggy Aggy Street where I live. When I leave the house children flee. Pensioners cross themselves and turn away. Small dogs look up, alert, like they're in danger though the only danger they face from me is the possibility of being gobbed on. Jeeze? Wheeze more like. I'm so congested my voice sounds like an empty crisp packet unfolding slowly.

Tomorrow I'm going to work. Be churlish to keep this thing to myself. Hurr, hurr, hurr...

The Ancient Egyptians believed gods...

were made of gold. With so much time having passed are Egyptian gods worth less now? The current gold price would suggest not. A recent news item caused me to ponder: how much is God worth? And what of polyathiesm or a god for every ocassion?  Lets not leave out demi-gods, sub-gods, part time gods, temporary gods, half time gods, job share gods. What of gods on temporary contracts? Does this bring down the cost? Neil Gaiman's novel American Gods posits that gods exist because people believe in them but as belief wanes then so do the gods. I like this notion. Recently my fridge started creaking and groaning. I said "Oh God, don't break". It broke completely. I bought a new fridge. The journey to the local dump with the old fridge was enlivened by a tiny wild haired fridge god complaining that no one ever listened.

I said "That's rich. You didn't listen to me".
It said, "You were whining."
I said, "It was a simple prayer. 'Oh God don't break.'"
It said, "You were exhorting. Where was the liturgy? Where was the style?"
"Liturgy? Style? It's a fridge." I said.
"It might be a fridge to you but it's nirvana to me." It said.
"Look." I said
"What." It said
 "The light went, the pump went, the thing flooded."
It said "So."
I said "You take no responsibility?"
It said "I'm a god not a mechanic. Take a left here."

Arriving at the dump I made to back my car towards a compound in which were fridges as far as the eye could see. Some large, some small, silver fridges, white fridges, chest freezers, side by side fridges, top freezer bottom fridge, bottom freezer top fridge, tiny fridges for cooling beer, medium fridges for galley kitchens. A bothersome of fridge gods jostled to see what was going on.

The fridge god said. "I'll guide you in."
I said, "Okay."
It shouted. "Back, back, back, back, back. Keep on coming. Back, back, back, back. Back, back, back, a little further. Back, back, back, back. Not far now. Back, back. Just a little more. Back, back, back, back."
"Your doing a crossword. I stopped ages ago."
The little god jumped."Fucking hell. Creeping up like that. Made me jump."
"Help me get the fridge out of the car." I said.
"Can't do that." It said.
"Why not." I said.
"After the Jesus debacle we won a 'no carrying of heavy items on final day' clause. It's here under 'Backs' on page 32." It waived a sheaf of papers.
"What about your friends." I nodded to the other gods.
"Ah, you'll notice some of them are a bit faded. No longer up to the job. Been forgotten too long."
"Suppose I'll have to shift it myself then." I said.
"Before you begin I've a question for you." It said.
"Ask away." I said.
"One word, seven letters and means to 'go abruptly'."
"Fuck off." I said.
"That's two words." It said.

Leaving the dump I could hear the fridge god calling to the crowd. "Three down. Nine letters. Begins with S. Means deliverance. C'mon. C'mon."

My new silver fridge arrived the following day and was duly plugged in. The motor hummed, the pump pumped, the door opened, the light came on and a voice said. "12 across. Renewed existence. Seven letters begins with 'R'. C'mon. C'mon."

Who needs gold eh?