fire pits . Prior to this I'd blithely assumed that if folk wanted a fire in the open air they dug a hole or pit. I am just sooooooo last century. Like, uh, get with the programme Dan, yah! To cut a long story short I have a friend who enjoys setting fire to stuff and it was her birthday party this weekend. So my mate Sean, he of the decorating bent suggested as a present we purchase a fire pit. Oddly, over the past weeks fire pits were mentioned somewhere in the press then suddenly here was Sean talking about the very same item. Spooky or what? The article I read stated that on many camp sites in the UK if folk wanted a fire they were now expected to bring their own pit. Whatever happened to bringing your own spade? Now a person is expected to bring their own hole, how can this be? The Net is a funny place and whilst looking for fire pit links I stumbled across a Guide to Wilderness Sanitation that went on about managing pooh in't country. It suggests the model ramblers might follow to keep the wilderness sanitised is that of the cat. To quote, "Cats are very particular and clean creatures, especially with regards to their toilet practices. With the small trowel you now carry it is easy to copy the cat and dig a small scrape for your toilet. Choose a secluded spot..." Model of good fucking behaviour? The bastard cats who live around here (and seem unable to crap anywhere but my yard) are not discreet, or neat, or leave no mark. Oh no. In my alleyway the cats are dangerous, untidy, have scarring and names like Potted Meat, Septic Cleaver, Exposed Bone. Nor do the bastards believe in replacing that which they have moved. Dig hole, shit, leave shit AND hole. Cheeky gets. I've bought a sonic cat scarer and disposer. Apparently it works using one of those Passive Infra Red (PIR) sensors. Any cat exposed to its remit is impaled on an enormous barbed spike that springs forward and then hauls the twitching corpse into the machine through a bloodied door. At the same time as with cuckoo clocks a plastic man leans from an upper window shouting "Turn the gas up Mabel there's meat for't bairns tonight." I think it's manufactured in Berne.
Mention of 'scraping' in the wilderness guide above has given me the idea of a yearly 'cat scrape', maybe in the form of a festival where cats can be scraped off things. I see prizes being awarded for the most imaginative feature from which a cat might be scraped, for instance wheel arches, paving, truck radiator grills, the elderly. Or the most imaginative tool by which a cat might be scraped, a pressure spray for instance, pneumatic drill, spoon, lathe.
One more thing. Whilst looking for info on fire pits I came across this site that declared King Tutankhamen had no willy . One possible explanation for its absence is that in the poor light tomb raiders mistook it for a panatella. Believe me stranger things have happened.
9 comments:
I have a friend who enjoys setting fire to stuff ... you know some dangerous people, Dan.
Have never ever heard of fire pits before, don't they look suspiciously similar to braziers?
ah well, no one can charge you for a pit you dig w/ your shovel, and the owner of the dirt pit has nothing to brag to his/her friends about. How can a dirt firepit owner prove to his friends that he is prosperous enough to have *ahem* money to burn.
sorry. couldn't resist.
Annie,
Yes they are braziers. But would you pay over £100 for a brazier? Re dangerous friends, we thought buying the fire pit might help control the urges, give them some direction, some focus. If as a gift it doesn't work I'm sure you'll read about it in the national press, or Fire Weekly.
Hayden,
So true, so true. Huh, anyone can own a hole. But a fire pit? Only people of substance can afford to throw away money in that manner.
still thinking abt that last statement. A panatella, ehh? You'd think they would notice that it would 'draw' a bit strangely.
Hayden,
I imagine the ubiquitous tomb raider, after taking might draw of the liberated 'panatella' also pondering why it smelled of pork.
"I have a friend who enjoys setting fire to stuff."
Why do I think this is hilarious?
Buffy,
It's absolutely true. On Friday night we went out hunting in skips for wood to burn at the Saturday night party. Found loads of it. Used a sledgehammer to break it up. Burned the lot. It was great fun. There's a firestarter in all of us dontchathink? Ha ha.
Braziers are trendy now? Wow! Back north in the country we still keep some in our house, nice for the winter time when you don't have a fireplace in every room. Nor central heating or any other heating devices.
Not sure if it is the right gift for that friend of yours though... isn't it like throwing gasoline into the fire?
D,
Hey, we bought they thing as a means of controlling her urges. Better to light a blaze in a brazier than a barn, bungalow, or boudiour. Hmm?
Post a Comment